Tears of Angel by BlackLily

Chapter 7

7. I don't like what I saw

Angel. Then with all the numbness that I am feeling, it’s a miracle that I can still feel  his arms as he embraced me. Nakatayo pa din ako habang yakap niya ako. I even have this feeling of wanting to push him away pero wala din naman akong lakas na gawin yun. Mas nanaig kasi ang feeling of comfort and safety na naramdaman ko habang yakap niya ako. Not to mention na ang bango pa niya na ang sarap sarap singhutin.


I am sorry. Pinaghintay kita. Please stop crying. With that, I automatically put my hand under my eyes and indeed I felt liquid in my fingers. Umiyak nga ako ng di ko napapansin. Bakit ako umiyak?

I’m sorry. He brushed my tears with his fingers and he looked at me.  Sh!t!  He muttered under his breath. He looked mad. I don’t know kung kanino but he really looked mad and that was the first time I heard him utter such word. Let’s go home. He took my books from me and guided me papuntang parking lot. And for the first time, naglakad kami papuntang parking ng nakaakbay siya sa akin. Ni hindi ako makareklamo. Masyado akong tuliro sa mga pangyayari at sa mga naging reaksiyon ko.   

Pagkapasok namin sa kotse niya, hindi niya muna ito pinaandar. Tiningnan lang niya ako and I am looking straight ahead.

Are you mad at me? He asked me gently.

Hindi. I am not mad at you. I closed my eyes, at pinakiramdamaan ang sarili ko kung may galit ba ako sa kanya and I felt none.

Kain muna tayo bago kita ihatid. He then started the engine pero hindi pa din niya pinatakbo ang sasakyan.

Johann, hindi na. I wanted to go home. Gabi na. Although pag kumakain naman kami sa labas pag hinahatid niya ako, mas late pa dito ang uwi namin.

Hindi ka ba talaga galit sa akin? Why are you so quiet? Look, Angela, I’m sorry, kung nakalimutan kong naghihintay ka pala sa akin. I wanted to be truthful with you and make no excuses of what I’ve done pero nawala talaga sa isip ko na naghihintay ka pala. Nagkakayayaan kasi after the practice ang mga soccer players and the cheering squad and…

Johann please… I wanted to go home. Wag ka munang mag explain sa akin kasi hindi ko pa yun matanggap. Kahit ano ang sasabihin mo sa akin, hindi yun maintindihan ng isip ko because as of this moment marami ang gumugulo sa isip ko and I need to understand all of them first before I could fully digest what you are about to say.

I am helping you figure it out Angela. That’s why I’m explaining to you. He sound exasperated that I have to look at him that instant just to make him believe na hindi ako galit sa kanya.

Johann, this is not all about what happened a while ago. Although it’s a part of it. This is not even about you. This is about me. Gusto kong maintindihan kong ano ang nangyari sa akin kanina. I wanted to know why I’d reacted that way. Kaya kailangan kong mag isip. That’s why I wanted to go home. I wanted to be alone. I hope you understand that. I looked straight into his eyes habang sinasabi ang mga yun. I don’t want him to think na iniiwasan ko siya dahil sa nangyari because that is not my intention. Gusto ko lang talagang mag isip.

Alright. I understand. With that pinatakbo na niya ang sasakyan palabas sa parking at sa school. Sa buong byahe, walang nagsasalita sa amin hanggang sa makarating kami sa bahay namin.

Thank you. He nodded and I opened the passenger door.

I’ll see you tomorrow. 7AM. I nodded and closed the door of his car. Hinintay ko muna siyang makaalis bago ako pumasok sa bahay namin.

Hindi na ako dumaan ng kitchen para kumain pagpasok ko sa bahay. Para kasing nawala na ang gutom ko.  Dumiretso na lang ako sa kwarto ko, clean myself, change my clothes, nahiga sa kama and stared at my ceiling the whole night. Ni hindi ko nireplayan ang goodnight text niya.

 
Fast forward. The next day.


I was surprised kinaumagahan nung nakita ko na siyang nakaupo sa usual seat namin sa chapel. Usually kasi 5 minutes early ako at siya 5 minutes late. Pero ngayon 5 minutes early pa din ako at siya..kanina pa kaya siya dito? I looked at him and he smiled at me. I smiled at him too and my eyes focused on the bouquet  of flowers na nilagay niya sa supposedly upuan ko. I took the flowers and read the card attached.