Would You Still Love Me If...

Chapter 41

Chapter 41

Lily's POV

I impassively waited for Harry to fall asleep. Trying to find sleep after what happened a few hours ago seemed ludicrous. Having a good night sleep was completely out of the question. But I was well aware that Harry was haggered from today's unforggetable events. Heck, I was too, but my brain was clastered with thoughts, too many to bare. Too many emotions to even attempt organize in any kind of order. My mind was just a tornado of emotions and thoughts and all of that could not be put to rest. Therefore, I was forced to stay awake all night.

Keeping Harry awake with me would have been a selfish act of mine. So to avoid having Harry stay up with me, I pretended to be asleep, so that he would then fall asleep. 

I was still settled, and evolved in his embrace. The settling warmth coming from Harry was comforting in so many ways. Of course, it didn't let me get cold to the point where my teeth would constantly shatter and my feet getting numbingly cold. It also kept me safe, as if not a single thing in the world could hurt me. Harry was like a shield to me, as if he could keep all evil away from me.

But Harry could not cover up my loss. Nothing could conceal it. The endless hole that my mother left me shall always stay empty. Harry nor anybody would ever cover it up. 

My mother was gone. I could do absolutely nothing about it, and that's what infuriates me the most. I should have been there the moment she left, holding her hand, telling her softly that everything would be okay and that she had nothing to worry about. The way Harry did with me. 

I have so many regrets. So many, I could write an entire novel on. I should have made her last days the most memorable, the most unforgettable. Days where she could smile so much it would hurt her flushing cheeks. I should have visited her more often. I should have forgiven her earlier.

Things would have been so much more different if she would have been around since the beginning. Things would have been different if she never left me in the first place. 

What hurts me the most is that I never got to say goodbye to her. I never got to tell her how much I truly loved her with my whole being. How much I really needed, but I didn't say any of those things. Why? Because I was selfish and stubborn. When she finally came back, I didn''t want her in my life anymore, I didn't want to see her yet she turned up at my door.

She was like Harry in some ironic way. Yeah, she messed up but she admitted to her mistakes and no matter how much I pushed her away, she always came back, like Harry did. Harry was like a magnet to me, and one can't simply avoid the magnetic force between metal and a magnet. 

I looked up at Harry to see his eyes closed, lips slightly parted and soft snored coming from them. His hair was spread across his pillow and his arm draped around my waist as if to keep me in place.

Nonchantily, I slid out of Harry's graps as I bit my lip, to deter any sound that might possibly cause Harry to wake from his slumber. I tip-toed to the door, squeezing my eyes shut every time I stepped on squeaky board from the hardwood floor, praying that it wouldn't wake up Harry.

I eventually left Harry's bedroom, and I made sure to gently close the door. I went downstairs to the familiar looking kitchen. Everything about this place was exactly as I remember it, nothing had changed. On my way to the kitchen, I passed the livingroom and the stuffed panda was still placed nicely on the leather couch, smiling at whatever happened to be in front of it, which happened to be me. 

My lips refused to mirror the panda's smile. I just looked at it, remembering all the memories the panda was brought with. The day when Harry took me on a date to that amusement park. Not even that could have brought a smile to my face.