How to unlove someone

Was it my fault after all?

I just realized how much I ruined everything with you. I just realized that I would give everything to make things like they used to be. I would give everything to be that girl again. Not just the girl that you liked. But also the girl that had never faced her demons. The girl whose heart was still innocent and who hadn't seen how much the human mind can do. A girl that didn't want to die everyday and a girl that had never been depressed. I guess that it would have been easier.

If my depression didn't get in the way we would have still been friends. You would still joke with me and hug me and talk to me. I wouldn't have hurt you and you wouldn't have broken me. If this "chemical imbalance" in my brain hadn't got in the way everything would be perfect.

You see, I spent one and a half year of my life trapped inside my own head. I spent all this time fighting my demons when all my friends had spent it laughing and building their bonds. I spent all this time being miserable and not being able to do anything to fix myself.

And I still am. Because if you have to know one thing about depression, know this. It can't go away from one day to the other. It takes time and so much work. It takes restless nights, trying to get out of bed in the morning, trying not to look down from a bridge not because you are afraid of heights but because you are afraid you will fall this time. It means, holding the razor so carefully as if it is made of glass because it reminds you of self harming, and when you get cut from it while shaving, wondering if it counts as self harm because deep down you still feel the need to do it. Recovering means that the one day you feel on top of the world and the other you are back at the beginning. It means celebrating the time you went without self harming (last time was january 2015) and wondering if you will ever stop craving it. It means not being able to talk about it, not being able to open up as easily as you would want and realizing that you have locked so many people out of your life without even realizing it. It means not being able to understand when you are finally "recovered".

I am worried that I will never be able to feel like I used to. I am worried that I can never be the same. That I will never be able to feel happy without second guessing it. Just this thought makes my stomach ache and my palms grow sweaty. See, if I had never gone through all that now everything would be different....