How to unlove someone

A video....

Today you posted this video, of multiple moments you and your sister joked around. And although I tried not to watch it, I did. And it was brutal. Not the video of course. But the feelings it generated.

Seeing you joking with her, fighting and pulling her hair I remember you doing all these things with me. And I remember me screaming you to stop and slapping your arms uncontrollably trying to escape your grip. I remember you running after me and I remember trying to ran away but you were always faster. I remember sitting together at the desk and playfully punching each others shoulders. I remember hugging you and I remember how your hands always found a way to my waist and how you pulled me closer.

I still remember that night, do you? Our families were on holidays together. We were alone in the hotel room. You sat on the couch and played on your phone while I laid next to you, laughing whenever you lost and cheering on you while you laughed and played. I remember how I laid on your chest, with the excuse that the couch was too uncomfortable and that you were perfect for cuddling. Well, I wasn't lying. You were perfect at for it. And you still are.

I remember listening to your fast (faster than usual at least) heartbeat underneath my head and drawing shapes on your chest that made you laugh. I remember your one hand on my waist and the other that was still playing the game on your phone (although you weren't concentrated and lost every thirty seconds). I remember how quickly I jumped out of your arms when a friend walked in the room.

I cared too much what other people thought of me and I never wanted anyone to see us together. Even though this was the one thing I wanted the most.

Now I am sitting here after all this time, trying to hide my emotions because we don't even talk anymore. You are this completely different person and I can't recognize you anymore. But you still make me feel the same. This weird feeling that I can't even explain to myself let alone write about it. You are completely different but still the same in this weird way that I would give everything for you to explain. I am sitting here writing this while other people get the chance to be with you and love you and hug you and talk to you.

Sometimes I think that I don't event want to be in a relationship with you. Really. All I want is to talk to you. Joke with you. Hug you. Just be there for you. I want to be your friend. Just this is enough. I promise that if we are friends I will instantly get over you. I swear. I just didn't know how much you meant to me until I was forced to be without you. I never understood how much you brightened my day until I had to face the dark, cloudy sky without you.

I hate clichés. Not so much in books as much in real life. But here's something no matter how cliché it is, sadly it's always true. You don't know what you had until you lose it. And I guess I didn't. And I am sorry.

I am sorry that I underestimated you and I am sorry that I took you for granted. I am sorry for everything I said and did I am sorry that I can't tell you how sorry I am. I am sorry that we don't talk and I am sorry that you hate me now. I am sorry that I messed up and I ruined everything. I am sorry that I didn't even think the consequences of all the stupid things I did and said. I am sorry I can't fix it and I am sorry that I know you don't want me to try.

But I swear, if I could turn back time I would do everything different.

They say that the saddest word in English is almost. And it's true. (source tumblr) You see, you almost loved me. I almost did everything right. We almost made it.