Give Me Therapy

Throwing stones.

Days pass. Weeks. Each 24 hour period goes by exactly the same. I wake up, lay for a few hours with Maisie in my arms. Eventually make it out of bed and downstairs to be greeted with Cara's unnecessary, hurtful comments, Maisie still clinging to my hand. I roll my eyes and move past her, into the kitchen. I get Maisie and I some breakfast, before carrying her back upstairs and getting dressed, only to lay in bed all day and stare out of the window.

Talking to Alex made me feel almost alive again, but the three weeks since then have left me empty. I don't know what to feel, I don't know what I should feel. He saves my life, I meet him two years later and tell him everything. Well, almost everything...

What am I supposed to do three weeks later when I've thought about nothing but him and the fact I'll never see him again? The hour we were together was truthfully one of the best hours of my life, and I'll admit, I hate knowing it will never happen again. Most girls are ecstatic with a hug and a photo, but me? Not even telling him almost my entire life story was enough.

I need to stop this.

I kick the covers off my body and throw them angrily at the ground, kicking them again so they hit the wall by the end of my bed. I swing the bedroom door open and run downstairs, shoving my feet violently into my converse, not bothering to tie them up.

"I'm going for a walk, its too hot in here," I yell through the house at Maggie, the carer.

"That's nice dear," she calls back, and I imagine her raising her eyebrows and not looking up from the papers on her desk, her glasses sliding down her nose. I roll my eyes and pull the front door open, stepping out into a wind that immediately throws my hair in every direction. I slam the door behind me, drag the elastic band from my wrist and carelessly tie my hair up, not bothering to check how I look. I start running. The soles of my shoes slap against the concrete and the sounds ring in my ears, so loudly it blocks everything else out. I take random turns down a few streets, ignoring the looks I'm getting from strangers walking in the opposite direction. My chest gets tight and I have to stop running, but I need to let out all the pent up anger. The anger that's been pent up for two years. I slow to a walk, breathing heavily. I keep a steady pace for a few more blocks, until I come to a lake. I jog up to it and drop to my knees, falling backwards on to my butt and crossing my legs, sighing with relief. There are stones wedged between blades of grass, and I gather them all, placing them next to me. One by one, I pick them up and throw them with all the force I have left. They don't get very far but the sound of them hitting the water is more satisfying than I expected it to be. I stare out at the rippling water for a while, before sighing and laying back, looking up at the evening summer sky. There are a hundred thoughts racing through my mind but I don't pay attention to any of them. I close my eyes and let myself drift to sleep, although its not like I don't get enough of it already...

****

I unlock the front door and walk in, eyes tired, head aching. I slip my shoes off and smile softly when I hear the patter of small feet growing louder. Maisie runs round the corner and throws her arms around my waist. I wrap my arms tightly around her shoulders, letting my head fall backwards and blinking back tears. Everything seems worse the past few weeks; I can't make sense of a single thing in my life. I breathe in heavily, trying to ignore the lump in my throat.

"Cara was mean about you again," Maisie mumbles into my shirt.

"Yeah? What'd she say?" I ask, not really caring.

"That you're a suicidal freak and you shouldn't be here, that's why the man came to get you." She says, removing her arms from my waist and looking up at me.

"Well, she's right about the first part, I suppose. I shouldn't be here, I don't deserve someone like you to keep me company in this place. You're much too good for me kid." I pretend to dismiss the part about the man, ignoring the leap in my chest.

Maisie shakes her head, "I love you Ever," she says sincerely.

"I love you too, baby girl."