Isn't She Lovely (h.s)

Chapter 37

Louis

"I told the reporter about Catherine.."

My head was reeling. What was I supposed to do? What was I supposed to say? I had just found out that my girlfriend had been the one to ruin my best mate's life. What was she thinking? My jaw locked as I concentrated on the red Mercedes parked in front of us.

"How could you?" I said quietly as I pinched the bridge of my nose. "What in your mind possibly made you think what you did was okay?!" I yelled at her, still refusing to meet her eyes. I was so frustrated, I didn't even know what to think. Eleanor had pretty much destroyed Catherine's chances of having a somewhat normal childhood, and there was no possible way she could now. Not only was Sam going to get all kinds of criticism and hate, but so was Catherine. Eventually as she gets older she's going to notice the people constantly judging her about everything she does or says, there was just no way to get around it now.

"I-I was just jealous, I'm sorry Lou, I didn't mean it! I wish I could just take it back, okay?" I rolled my eyes and jerked the car into reverse.

"Don't say what you don't mean El." I said quietly as I pulled out of the car park and started on the way back to the house we shared.

* * *

The drive back was completely silent except for the broken hiccups of Eleanor in the seat next to me. I quickly glanced at her sideways before concentrating back on the road. It was a good fifteen minute drive to the house, but I swear it felt like hours.

I pulled into the garage next to our house and turned the ignition off, sitting back in my seat. I fiddled with my fingers for a few minutes before I got the nerve to speak up.

"I was hurting too El." I swallowed the lump in my throat before continuing, voice quavering. "I-I was hurting too. But you were too busy pushing me away to see that. You were too busy pitying yourself to see that I was hurting too. It wasn't just you that lost, I did too. But instead of just losing a child like you, I lost the love of my life also. I lost the two things I loved the most in this world. You were too busy feeling sorry for yourself to see that you were affecting me too. You flinch at my touch for god's sake! My heart has been breaking every day since we lost Olliver, every day that I try to look into those tired eyes of yours and you refuse to look at me, really look at me. I could have stopped you, I could have helped you to move on, but you wouldn't let me. Why would you hurt someone else's chance at happiness just because you were too blind to realize that there was still hope for your own?" My eyes were quickly overflowing with tears as I finished my rant in a whisper. I was finally opening up for the first time since the miscarriage. "I'm-i'm just so sick of having to walk on eggshells with you, El. So sick..." I sobbed the last words as all of my emotions flooded out.

I quickly ran a hand under my eyes as I took in deep breathes, and before I could say anything else, Eleanor quickly yanked the car door open and threw herself out. She ran into the side door and I groaned in frustration. She's running from me, from her problems... again.

I raced after her to the side door of the home we shared. I rushed inside and closed the door behind me roughly before sitting down at the island in the kitchen. I sighed, dropping my head into my hands. How the hell could everything just fall to pieces this fast? How could God hate us so much?

I heard the sound of muffled cries coming from our bedroom and I ran up the stairs two at a time. I stood in the doorway as I watched El curled into herself, knees up to her chest, sobbing. I made my way over to the bed and climbed up behind her, wrapping my arms around her and forcing her back against my chest. She shook her head and cried harder, thrashing against my strong grip. I grabbed her wrist hard, sure to leave fingerprints as I forced her closer against my body.

"L-L-Lo-Louis l-let me-e go!" She cried out in between sobs. I simply shook my head and kissed the side of her head just above her ear.

"I've let you go enough, Love. I'm not losing you anymore. I refuse to lose you." She tried pulling out of my embrace and thrashing against me harder, but I refused to let her go. Her breathing got harder and I knew now she was struggling to get out of my hold, but I wouldn't let that happen, not anymore.

"P-pl-please Louis, please?" She finally broke down, falling limp back into my chest. Her breathing slowed down and I loosened my grip on her wrists. I could already see the start of the bruises on her wrist from my rough hold.

She sat silently for a while and I ran a calming hand through her hair.

"It's going to be alright, Baby, I promise. Everything is going to be okay eventually." I kissed the top of her head and I felt her breath hitch again.

"Yo-you don't hate me?" I heard her whisper almost inaudibly.

"How could I hate you? El, I love you. Stop making yourself believe bullshit lies! You always do this. You blame yourself for losing Olliver," I felt her jump in my arms at the sound of that, "and you made yourself believe that I hated you. Please just, stop making yourself out to be the only victim." I felt her tears fall down onto my hands that were still wrapped securely around her torso.

"I-It is my fault Louis. I killed our son, a-and I ruined Catherine's life! H-how can you even look at me? I-i'm so sorry, so fucking sorry! I was just angry at everything, at the whole situation, it wasn't fair, I-it just wasn't fair!" I knew she was talking about the articles again.

"What wasn't fair sweetheart?"

"That they could be happy family and we couldn't..." She trailed off as she started to sob again and shake her head. I tightened my grip around her body again.

"Life isn't fair, Eleanor." I said icely, and I felt her shrink away at my tone. "Life isn't fair." I repeated quieter.

She was jealous, that's why she told the papers. I was disgusted, how did she even begin to think that it was okay? Any normal person would be furious at the broken girl in front of me, but I wasn't, I couldn't be. Because at the end of it all, a part of me understood where she was coming from.

I felt the tears start to flow down my face for probably the millionth time today. So many emotions were running through my system now, I didn't even know what to think. I breathed in deeply as I felt her breathing slow down. I held her for what felt like hours before I knew she was finally asleep. My tears began to fall faster as I brushed the hair out of her eyes and pressed my lips shakily to her temple.

What happened to the old El? What happened to the girl that thought about others? What happened to the El that was always shining with happiness and whim? What happened to the carefree girl that was so loud and outgoing?

'I know what happened to her,' that little voice in the back of my head whispered.

'She died that day in the hospital with our child.'

All I had left now was the shell of the girl I loved.

"I want my Elly back." I whispered quietly as I buried my face in her hair.

"Please God, please bring my Eleanor back."