(Don't) Leave Me Alone •twenty one pilots-Tyler Joseph•

thirty six//ordinary's just not good enough today

||Charlotte Robin Dun|| First Person||

I didn't fall asleep that night until around 11 PM, my mind brewing up a malicious and dark storm of thoughts that keep me wide awake. It was a nearly futile effort for me to attempt to push the words that Chicago told me, my head pounding and thudding louder and louder as my brain slammed itself against my skull in an attempt to escape. It was nearly impossible for me to not ponder on her statement, because she was right. If I hadn't lost Ryan, the only one that knew the true me and didn't let it come between us at the time, life would be completely different.

Ryan was an amazing and great person. He was so thoughtful, almost as much as Tyler, and it's the fact that he's no longer a phone call away for me that really tugs at my heart. I don't have him to run to when my mom is being a pain in the ass anymore. I will never have Ryan Mistry back, no matter how harsh that sounds because it's the truth. Ryan isn't here anymore, and it's difficult for me to fathom and wrap my head around; he's dead.
I don't like thinking about him recently, because all it does is bring me more pain. I can't stand the thought of him anymore because it torments me. He's not here and he never ever will be, just like everyone keeps saying. But I find it so hard to close that chapter of my life that belonged with him; my days of clubbing and drinking and overall being in the wrong kind of crowd. I can't imagine letting go of what we shared, those nights in the Usual Spot when I'd rest my head on his chest and feel his arm tighten around my waist as he tries to perfect a smoke ring in the chill of the Columbus night. I can't believe that people expect me to not want that back, not want him back because Ryan Mistry was what kept me alive for all those years, and the thought that he was the one to literally bite the bullet before me wasn't right.
I'm a bit selfish like that. I can only hope that I die before everyone else does because I can't handle sorrow and loss. I would rather everyone else, if they even would, mourn my own death because at least I won't feel it. And I always imagined that that was the way things would turn out, with me leaving Ryan to miss me and not the other way around. Because let's face it; Ryan is and always was the stronger person. He could survive it, he would be able to get over my passing and build from it and maybe become an even better person if humanly possible. Because sometimes I feel like there's no hope for me. Sometimes I genuinely felt that there was nothing in this world left for me to live for except for him, except for Ryan. And those three weeks back home with him dead might as well have killed me. Because that first night after his death was the strangest one ever. It felt like a chunk of me was missing, like my dominant arm wasn't there anymore and I was left to learn how to use my useless left arm. I remember not even fully comprehending it that first sleepless night, I remember sitting in the dark staring at my lock screen on my cell phone waiting for a text to meet up. And by three AM when one never came and I was left staring at that selfie of the both of us, it hit me. It hit me so hard that I was keeling over and gasping for breath, spluttering as it dawned on me that he was dead dead dead and gone.

My best friend and the guy that I was in love with left me and it never felt so wrong.

My life would be different if he was still alive. I'd be back in Ohio in a club getting intoxicated and dancing with him, later nursing a hangover at either his place or my house in the morning. I wouldn't be here, in California, with a boyfriend. And that's another scary thing for me to think about, for me to dwell on; I wouldn't be in love with Tyler Joseph. I wouldn't be in a relationship with Tyler because I, forgive me for this, didn't want his company. All I wanted two months ago was for everyone to go away and leave me alone. I wanted everyone to let me bask in my self pity and hate for who I truly am inside, and if it weren't for the passing of the main person that kept me alive for so long, I probably would have stayed the same. I probably would be drifting through my life, taking it one night at a time because nothing else was important to me but just staying alive for a little bit longer. I probably wouldn't be so unbelievably in like or love- whatever this feeling truly is- with Tyler because I would be basking in my ignorance as per usual.