(Don't) Leave Me Alone •twenty one pilots-Tyler Joseph•

twenty six//i found a love that swept me off my feet

||Charlotte Robin Dun|| First Person||

An entire week passes by.

It was insane how fast the time flys when you don't want it to but barely moves when you're anticipating something. I wasn't sure whether I was excited for Family day or if I was dreading its arrival, which makes sense because nothing makes sense to me and I feel sick.

The days of class go by quickly- this place sent us to all sorts of therapies and support groups throughout the day and then sends us off to work out and build muscle for a healthy lifestyle or some ridiculous bullshit like that. I doubt my own mom chose this place for me- Ashley and Abigail probably decided on it and presented it to our parents.

I can't help but feel neglected here even though we're practically smothered. This place doesn't feel right- it doesn't feel like a treatment centre because so far, I haven't done anything except for eat, sleep, take my medication, talk to some bullshit therapists, and do physical activities like horseback riding or martial arts or cardio exercises because this place is run on money and no actual therapy. But even with so many things to take up my time and keep my mind off of the pressing issues impending in my sorry excuse for a life, I still find time to catch myself thinking about Tyler Joseph.

The whole week during phone call time, I somehow managed to make it my number one mission to avoid any chance of conversing with Tyler Joseph. It didn't feel right to talk to him over the phone, especially after what just happened with the whole confession to me. Between my distaste for pretty much every single therapy class and the lesser annoyance with the self defense classes, I made it my point to speak with Josh shortly and refuse to speak to Tyler when he offers.
It's not like I hate him for what he's done, because I don't. I can't even fathom the idea of hating Tyler Joseph because it's just something you don't do. You can't hate a person for something that they can't control.

And I'd be liar if I said I didn't feel the same way.

Tyler Joseph is one of those people that just make things a little bit more bearable- for the skeletøn clique, they rely on his voice and his very existence and draw strength from it to carry on with their own lives. It's a different story though for the people that are acquainted personally with him though- we can't physically take any of his own strength because we're all aware of the fact that Tyler probably needs that more than any of us ever will. But him being there and lending his support is enough to inspire you to keep going, to stay alive. So how could I ever possibly hate him- one of the few that are keeping me alive- because he feels something that I feel too? I'm pretty sure that that coil in my stomach is nowhere near annoyance or disgust but rather the nerves because the seven days that I spent listening to his voice over and over again helped me realize that holy shit, I really like him.
But if you haven't guessed by now, that idea terrifies me- me liking someone else other than Ryan Mistry. And I know that I'm being a clingy person by trying to keep a hold on something that is no longer mine while simultaneously ignoring whatever else is being given to me, except there's nothing for me to even hold onto because he's dead. There isn't anything for me to physically be clinging onto and there isn't anything spiritual other than the sense of wrongness that I feel towards the situation. It strongly feels like I'm doing something wrong- getting over Ryan. Getting over Ryan sounds like a selfish thought, which makes sense because I've always been just the slightest bit conceited. But the actual act of trying to stop thinking about him for the majority of my day while also trying to take all of the romantic feelings that were meant to him and pushing them over to where they're supposed to be- with Tyler- seems like I'm making Tyler a rebound. And it also seems like I'm a terrible fucking friend that relies on people to make her existence feel like it means something while also person-hopping in an attempt to take what she can get from those oblivious souls.