Bad Enough for You (Currently Editing)

Gonna Cuddle the Shit Outta You

23.] Gonna Cuddle the Shit Outta You

What I had always hated the most about being young was that I fell in love way too many times. It wasn’t the type of love that I had experienced with Blaine, where the person was actually a part of my life and I had a right to fall for them because I got to see everything that they were. I wasn’t in love with anyone before him. I was in love with the idea of the boys that existed inside of my head. I didn’t know anything about them, never talked to them in my life, but one look was all that it took to make me feel something and to begin painting them inside of my head as someone who would love me unconditionally.

I wasted too many emotions on boys that most likely didn’t even know my name. I was just the girl who got swept away in the ideal boy. He probably didn’t exist, anyways. Prince Charmings weren’t manufactured and then sent out to the doorstep of every girl like sample pads.

Now, though, when I was told that I was the one that they couldn’t have, I felt unsure. With all of those boys that I had lusted after, planned our entire nonexistent future together with, I had felt as if they were the one I couldn’t have. Teenage girls are prone to falling in love with boys they know deep down that they can’t actually have. It hurts, really, when you realize that though you’ve made them out to be this boy out of a fairytale and constantly imagine the moment in which he would come over and introduce himself, he’s not that boy. He has his own circle of friends, pretty girls who come fluttering in and out of his life, leaving him dazed and confused. He has feelings for a girl who’s prominent in his life, who makes him laugh and knows everything about him. In the end, it’s not that he doesn’t want you. Sometimes, it’s just that he doesn’t see you. And if he did, he’d want you.

I had always thought of those moments as heartbreaking. It was one of the reasons why I had never been able to comfort Georgia when she was in so much pain over a boy. I had never truly experienced what heartbreak was. I only made it up, exaggerated it so that I could feel a part of something as well.

Heartbreak was such a strange thing. Especially when it wasn’t happening to you. It was when you were doing the heartbreaking and you weren’t even aware of it. If you think about the way that girls fall in love with people they can’t have, you’d probably realize that boys do that as well. They lust after those “popular” girls who wear short skirts and heels because it’s what everyone else has deemed significant. At the same time, though, there are boys who stumble upon a girl and get lost in everything about her, but never come to know her name.

Breaking someone’s heart without knowing it is painless. You’re so unaware of everything, especially their feelings, that their angry glares and sudden change of direction is lost upon you in meaning. I think everyone breaks someone’s heart, even if they’re never in a relationship.

Hearts are a fragile thing and sometimes, all it takes is looking through them to shatter everything.

The other type of heartbreaking, the one that you’re conscious of, the one that you know you’re doing on purpose, is one of the most painful things in the world. The last thing you want to do is to take someone’s heart and rip it out of their chest. Well, unless they did something really shitty and deserved it, you’re generally afraid of what breaking their heart could do. Without even knowing it, you’re breaking your own heart as well.

It’s a messy process and just thinking of what I knew that I now had to do left an ache. I didn’t want to think about it, didn’t want to admit to the fact that I was in a situation that I had created on my own. I had opened my heart too much to two people and I was left feeling torn, torn between what my parents wanted and what I wanted.

Sure, my dad had made that comment a while ago about how he didn’t think Blaine was right for me. I didn’t believe this for a moment. He was angry that I didn’t want to conform to what he wanted and by taking something that had been my choice from the very beginning and putting it down, he still had the power. I knew that my dad loved Blaine, thought that he was the only good guy left in the world besides Owen.