Bad Enough for You (Currently Editing)

I Need a Security Guard for My Vagina

 Big thanks to Steph (xTheGirlNextDoor) for her banner!

Looking back at my summer thus far, I realized that I had often wished for things to turn out differently. It was something that I constantly did, a way of marking the progression of mistakes that I continued to make as time went on. I really did hope that things would turn out right even with the pile of shit that was constantly growing as I tossed another coin down the wishing well, watching as the silver coin flipped through the darkness, never seeming to land. I had wasted each of those coins on the same thing: the chance to do things over again.

I knew it wasn’t going to happen, so instead of spending time worrying about the things that had happened, I decided that I was going to celebrate the fact that I was still alive and was now a free girl. So, maybe I shouldn’t have been celebrating my breakup with Blaine, but the freedom was intoxicating. I had known even before that argument was over just how I was going to mark this occasion. And that was part of the reason why I had stolen Blaine’s condoms.

Mostly, I wanted to make the next time he wanted to sleep with someone a little more difficult. If he decided to go bare, that would be his risk to take. I wasn’t exactly hoping that the girl would end up pregnant, but I wasn’t past hoping that one of them got an STD. On the other hand, I had taken his condoms because I wanted him to think about why I would want them. I wanted him to die of misery as he thought about what I would do with those condoms and who I would do it with.

Not that Blaine knew about Eli, of course. That was one secret that I wasn’t going to reveal any time soon. There wasn’t a chance in hell that Eli and I were going to start a relationship. In fact, I was more than positive that I didn’t want a new one. For right now, I wanted to have a little fun. I wanted to relish in my newfound freedom. I wanted the chance to dance on tabletops, drink as much as I wanted, kiss whoever I wanted, and leave the party with a particular blue-eyed boy without feeling guilty for lying about my whereabouts and my companions.

Since there was no time like the present to make the most of what good was happening in my life, I had decided to throw my own party. I really didn’t know many people beyond the small circle that I traveled in in the apartments, but I knew that they would know others to invite. Even through the tears that had been streaming down my face as I pressed the pedal to the floor and left myself speeding down the hill towards the twinkling lights of Jessamine, I had somehow managed to get a hold of everyone besides Eli. Setting those who I had reached out on different tasks, I could feel power and satisfaction burning in my veins as I continued my drive.

I wasn’t entirely sure where Eli was when I called him. Admittedly, part of me was a little sad when he didn’t automatically pick up when I called. I had wanted to tell him what had happened, even if I was currently crying so hard that I could hardly see the road beyond my windowshield. I wanted to hear what he said about it all, to tell me that it was all going to be okay. That he was going to accompany me at my party and stay the night again.

The other part of me knew that I shouldn’t have been disappointed. While he may have been the guy I was making out with behind Blaine’s back, there had never been any evidence that we were going to make anything of it. There was no reason for him to answer on the first ring, no reason for him to always want to talk to me. It didn’t matter if he was currently living in my apartment, nor did it matter if there had been times when I thought we were going to cross the line entirely, taking whatever this thing between us was to whatever the next step was.

Even though I desperately wanted to call him again after I had hung up with Angeline, I knew that it was better if I didn’t seem so desperate. I was very aware of the fact that Eli was a mastermind at what he did. I suspected that I was being played a fool, that I was going to be the next notch on his headboard, that I was going to give him what he wanted and he would move on to the next unsuspecting girl. It was a little disheartening, but at the same time, I couldn’t understand how he would want someone like me.