Luna(tic) (Marauders Era)

54. Whispers and Wildfire

There was a relief, Luna knew, in letting go of secrets. She could see it in Remus after March. There was a lack of tension, of tightening, when full moons were mentioned, when he stumbled across his "illness". His "furry little problem" as James, Sirius, and Peter all called it.

It was a strange thing to see. A good thing to see. A wonderful thing to see. And yet, every time she saw it, something aching coated Luna's throat. Something that, when she bothered to consider it, tasted like jealousy. Like envy, bitter and green.

Because Luna was jealous, even as she was happy. Happy to see her friend with less weight on his shoulders. Happy to see the way he laughed about things more freely. Talked about things more freely. Happy to see the way lifting the secrecy lifted some of the shadow.

And yet envy was a beast on Luna's shoulder. A creature lurking in her chest. Envy tasted like words Luna wanted to say. Risks she wanted to take. Fears that would always make sure she choked on her own secrets. On her own hopes.

It felt, in the months that passed before the end of the term, like those fears stalked her even more than Sam did. They haunted her. Because the truth was, there was a tiny whisper in Luna's head, a little voice that asked what if? What if she dared? What if she spoke? What if she did what Sam had always wanted her to do?

And the voice wasn't new. It was as old as Sam was. As old Luna was, probably. It had been hissing in her ear for as long as she could remember.

It was just louder now.

Because watching Remus, seeing the way the weight lifted, that voice wondered if her weight could lift too. And perhaps the worst part was that Luna knew it could. That if she simply spoke her secrets, breathed them to life like Remus had, the weight would vanish. The pretending could stop.

But other things might stop too. And other weights would crash down with the walls of her life's fortress.

It was, Luna decided, a terrible time to have to go home. To, after three months of wondering, of wishing, of hearing whispers mixed in with even her moonlit vigils, arrive in a bedroom laced with memories. A house haunted by more ghosts than just Sam. A life steeped in this secret. In the reality of what happened when it got out.

It was silly, Luna knew, to let it get to her so much. It had been one conversation. It had been a friend trusting her, offering her a secret. Only it had barely been a secret to Luna. And watching the aftermath, the easing, the loosening, the relaxing of a tension she hadn't even known to look for... it had made it feel like that secret, for all the weight it had put on her friend, had been nothing, really.

It had made it feel like Luna's secrets could be nothing, really.

Only they couldn't be. Wouldn't be. Weren't.

Because Luna knew her secrets. Knew too what people thought of her secrets. And it wasn't nothing.

In case she needed reminders of how not nothing it was, she still saw her old friends sometimes, when she dared to go out in the town. They were still friends with each other, some of them, and old enough now to wander around without parents. Which meant wandering around without anyone to stop them from saying cruel things when they saw her.

Luna went into town only once that summer, trailing behind her mother as she ran errands on an otherwise boring Saturday afternoon. Luna had opted to wait outside while her mother went into the supermarket. It was busy in there and Luna didn't want to watch the crowds run through Sam. Didn't want to watch her mother do the mental math always involved in grocery shopping. Didn't want to see the little frown that came with an item put back on the shelf that always ached a little more than even the reminder of Sam's non-existence in the world.