Luna(tic) (Marauders Era)

53. (Un)shared Tragedies

Luna simply blinked at him for a moment. She wasn't sure how else to react. He looked so terrified. So petrified. So like that moment first year when they'd almost had this exact conversation. When they'd stumbled on this truth. So like she had felt, only months ago, in a moment like freefall.

And yet...

"Oh," was the only word that passed her lips. And then, in a moment of what was retrospectively perhaps ill-advised honesty, "Is that all you wanted to say?"

Because she'd been expecting more somehow. He'd built it up like a confession. Like something that would change things, something that would matter and... Well. Luna thought this was rather an anti-climax.

"I... yes?" Remus said, the final word trailing off into a question mark. "You... did hear me, right?" he pressed, frowning at her, looking as lost as Luna thought she had ever seen him.

"Yes," she assured him, trying to sound less confused than she was. "It's just... well, you made it sound like you were going to say something awful."

It was his turn to blink. "It is awful."

Luna stilled, hit face-first with the guilt of it. Of her careless words. "Oh, Merlin," she whispered. "I didn't mean - I don't - I mean I know it's awful," she assured him. "I know it must be awful because-" Because of a lot of things she couldn't say, really. A lot of things that left her stumbling, might have left her silent were it not for the strange look on Remus's face that sparked just enough fear to keep her going. "I know," she repeated. "But... But I thought... I thought you were going to say something worse," she admitted, feeling herself tuck back slightly in guilt. In shame. "Something... new?" The last word was high pitched, her voice its own question mark even as felt her body curling over like it was trying to make one out of her spine.

"New?" Remus repeated blankly, his stared utterly flat.

Luna shrugged slightly, wrapping her arms around the question of herself and wishing she hadn't agreed to come here. Wishing she'd told Pandora to do it. Or maybe even Lily. "You did build it up," she defended weakly.

"This... isn't new?" Remus pressed and the words didn't sound like a question, but Luna answered them anyway.

"No?" she admitted, frowning. "Is... is it supposed to be?" Which was a stupid question, but also the only words Luna could come up with, question mark that she now was.

Remus let out a sound that Luna thought might have been a laugh, except, given the circumstances, given the mixed fear and confusion and simple surprise on Remus's face, she didn't think a laugh was particularly likely. "Yes?" he said. "I never told you before. I only told the other boys last year and -" He faltered, frown settling slightly, shaking his head, looking at her in a way that made Luna feel like maybe she should apologize for something. "You knew?"

"I..." She trailed off, shifting uncomfortably under the weight of his gaze, wishing she'd taken the visitor's chair where Sam now sat. Where instead of a question mark, she could curl herself all the way around into a period and end this conversation. "Yes?"

"How?" The word was breathless, half desperate, which was strange, Luna thought. Because to her, this answer was obvious. Was easy.

"You do kind of have a lot of scars," she said quietly, flinching less at anything he did and more in anticipation. In an apology she wondered if she should already have spoken.

"They could have been from anything," he countered and his tone was one Luna recognized. It was a tone of desperation. Of knowing self-deceit. It was the tone of someone who knew he was lying and was desperate to convince himself it was the truth. It was the tone Luna had used for half a lifetime, back when she'd still sworn, even to herself, even to Sam, that she wasn't mad.