Luna(tic) (Marauders Era)

4. The Careful Maintenance of a Brittle Peace

Luna's sleep the night after the visitor came was restless and left her tossing and turning and wishing the moon was more than just a sliver in the sky. Of course, she thought a bit bitterly, Sam was probably delighted that the moon was thin and quiet tonight. He hated when it moved towards full. But Sam was also sleeping. And Luna wanted someone to talk to. More than that, she wanted someone to talk to without Sam listening. And Sam never listened to her conversations with the moon.

She would have thought it was a kindness born of respect for her privacy, but she knew it wasn't. It was a selfishness. Sam didn't like the moon, not unless it was nearly new and the sky was dark and empty. Sam liked the stars in a cloudless, moonless sky. Why, Luna didn't know, but she had long ago learned to stop asking and accept this unintended gift.

It wasn't that she didn't like talking to Sam and it wasn't that she didn't want to confide in him. For most things, she did. It was just that tonight, she wanted to talk about him. She wanted to talk about what it meant that they were going to school. About the look on her mother's face when she'd asked if Sam would be magic too. About whether or not she was a fool to think she might find someone there who could see him too.

Sam couldn't answer those questions and would probably have been offended by half of them anyway. And if Luna asked any of them of her mother, she knew she'd only make her worry. And her mother worried a lot. And not just about Luna.

Because of course, Luna knew what it meant that they never ate seconds at dinner. That sometimes, breakfast and lunch were both just a slice of bread. She knew what it meant that her clothes were always old and worn, no matter how much magic her mother used to keep them together and that her mother always took extra shifts whenever they were offered. She knew what it meant that Christmas was only marked by a cup of hot cocoa and birthdays just meant blowing out the same stubby little candle year after year and wishing for things that never came true.

Luna had never spoken any of these truths out loud and her mother didn't mention it either. Really, her mother tried so hard to keep Luna from the realities of their life that Luna never dared bring up that she already knew. That the children at school spoke the words even if she didn't. That her teachers always asked her about lunch with concern in their eyes. That she saw the stressed looks and tired sighs her mother tried to hide. Because of course, Luna knowing would have broken her mother's heart. And Luna did that often enough as it was.

It wasn't that her mother said it. Or even suggested it. No, Luna's mother was always full of love and light and assurances for her daughter. It was just that the rest of the world said it. The rest of the world shouted it, really. And it was hard to listen to just that one voice. Especially when sometimes, that one voice sounded so worn out. So beat down. So dead tired.

That tired in her eyes was another thing Luna knew the meaning of. And it was another thing her mother never mentioned. But she didn't need to. The children at the muggle school never failed to remind her of it. And though Luna had once dismissed these taunts with all the others, as she'd gotten older, she'd started seeing how right they were. She'd learned to recognize that certain type of sigh that was exhausted in a way that went bone deep. She'd learned to catch the fall in her mother's face when she thought Luna wasn't looking. She'd learned to read the little flicker of something like pain every time Luna mentioned Sam.

So she mentioned him less. She mentioned the children and their cruel words less. She tried her hardest to be the good, normal girl she was certain her mother wanted. A girl Luna knew she was not.

Now Luna huffed a breath and rolled onto her back, staring up at the ceiling and trying to push her thoughts elsewhere.

This was difficult because the only other place her thoughts seemed to want to settle was on the prospect of Hogwarts. And that kept leading her back in circles to the same place she'd ended up moments ago.