Your Struggles is What Creates Your Depth

CORALINE.

(March 11th,2024)
A child never forgets
See I'm 24 and I can still remember the simplicity
Of the last time my mom tucked me in and blew out the light
I was eight
I knew she didn't want to sing
But I begged her to sing it again
You are my sunshine
As I got older that sunshine became teeth
Clamping down on my soul until everything minus what my mom wanted me to be
Leaked completely out
How moments of crying were only safe behind closed and locked doors in the house
How many times my little brother
Locked the door to the bathroom after my dad
Hit him
Spending my days trying to free myself from my mothers gaze
How every footstep
Made me wince
Even when my feet had no echoes
Sunshine felt like clouds
And believing the fact that I'm only allowed to feel a certain way
If you agreed with it too

How tucking me into bed
Turned into to you
Tacking off my bed sheets and
Digging everywhere
In my room to see if you could find more
I wrote about you
See mom,
The fact that I can understand
Why your mom was always the container to
How you parented
but you hid behind
My previous years of being traumatized
Just to prove the definition of pointing the finger
To get the reflection off of you
You gave me your mirror
And held it up for me
Acted like it wasn't torture
And blew out any birthday candles I wished upon
With integrity for us

Because at least you took care of having the name brands
On my feet
And didn't leave me strapped to a car seat
In a dark room
Don't act like a mother who loves her kids
But Doesn't respect when their kid tells them to stop
How tears and sobbing pathetically was something for you to mimic
A lot of days
How the sword of you ignoring my love yous
And the fact I knew not to try to hug you
Mom
The way we escaped to our rooms
Just to not feel like the titanic should make you understand the volume
Of pain inflicted
But all you ever do is act like every moment we begged you to listen
Was a moment you felt we disrespected you
How teenage tongue's came out to play only after we tried talking about our day
Mom it never mattered
I can't hold myself to the standard that this town puts out for me
So they believe you
While my inner child is left here
Screaming
Because still after pointing at my scars
And telling you everything
Until I have no lung capacity
Still becomes the first time my mother's pain
Her mother's given her
Cut into me
And adult me
Still likes to act
Like you don't still
Completely gut me
And how my daughter deserves nothing but beauty and flowers
And the cycle to stop
I want to teach her what beauty is so she understands that she is and will always be the definition
Please don't let them take that from her
No,
Not even a little bit
I grew up feeling like it was my fault I had a bullet inside my head with their names on it
To remind me
That it will take constant therapy to feel even a little normal
My daughter can play no part in this
They told me I got a second chance at life,
No my daughter gets my second chance at life
And despite the outcome the fight for her peace and mine with never cease