Your Struggles is What Creates Your Depth

SILENT WHISTLE.

(December 11th,2023)
I wish I could just stop it
The need to be better
I always let myself fall back
Trusting a good day feels pitiful to me
Some days I wish my brain wasn't destroyed because now all it does is destroy images that bring me happiness
No matter how much I grow and learn
I still refuse to let go of the darkest pieces of me
I wonder if my trauma is as sick of me as I am of it
I can take compliments, just my inner child refuses them
I can take apologies,but they just sound different to my inner teen
I can take pain and swallow it easier than words of kindness
The world shatters you daily
But we're supposed to be loved by those that remind us of the goodness in It too
So through shattered glasses we became adults
Expecting ourselves to heal without help
Like anyone can just start a fire and put it out with gasoline
I don't know how to let go
Of everything
Every tiny little piece
How do I not remember anything
Because when I try I still...,
remember the way my dad's alcoholic breath smells and the feel of his hard hands
I remember the soft spoken words that snaked off my moms sharp tongue
I remember every moment I ever felt less than
But sometimes remembering is relieving
I gaslight myself less when I remember why I'd explode
I've held bombs in my hands my whole life
Because dropping them meant death
No one ever felt the damage done except me
It's hard remembering
And telling those around you something different
When your insides are screaming