Your Struggles is What Creates Your Depth

ISSUES.

(January 20th,2024)
Sometimes I find myself falling,
                             Stumbling through my words
Just like building blocks
Set up by kindergartners

But there's no going back to the start
   So this anger
That builds up so heavily
                 And ever so deeply within
These never breaking emotional walls
               Can not leak
Too much of those I've loved are the reason
                         I still bleed
No one deserves this breakage
                      The feelings of rejection
      The voice of reason that argues with     perfection
They really did a number
                              On me
    Most days my self loathing out loud
                       Doesn't really come
From me
                But denial will always come from you

Empty eyes
                       And eye pupil mirrors
       The love you,
never meant anything
                             When I wasn't who
You needed me to be that day

You know it's all I've wanted
      For them to pick up my broken pieces
But instead of that I'm trying to
     Forget words
                     That hit me just as hard now as they
Did at seven

Then there's him,
           You know the one,

The dad,
The sweet one
            The gum packs
                 And sweet buns
                 And hard candy
All felt the easiest to take his side then
              Because most of him
Didn't belong to him
              The alcohol just loved you better
Than us
It was easier to love him
      Even now
The physical pain could
Always be washed away
             With a treat
                     He just needed one too
Because he just didn't wanna see

   See having mommy and daddy issues
Isn't just so easy to explain sometimes
        Like how deep they run through you

Like moments you can still hear your heart strings
          Snap
When you see peers with their parents

Or like when I say
I wanna burn down my
        Childhood home
                  After they die
     Just so no one
Will ever be trappped inside
             Those walls again
    
The constant closed blinds
      Because you know
Blinds are for two things
            Helping stop the public from seeing in or
Keep the public from seeing them
               
Everything growing up felt
         Like a play
               The heart shattering words
As my daughter giggled besides me
             To drive home
With closed little eyes
                And silent gasps escaping
As you silently screamed the pain
      Of keeping them in your life

See these are the kind of mommy and daddy issues
That set off bombs
       In the basement so not even the soul around
Can grow again

The woods around it could be see through
                     Nothing would hide our pain anymore
Even the ones we hid under rocks and in ponds

Seeing our imaginations run wild
             Because escaping them
Was the easiest
         If we weren't there
Even if our bodies had to be

     Or like the solid proof
Of repeated
            Silent
Abuse
        Feels like being in the jaws of love and
Hate
Because even your adopted second chance
      Held the promise of different
Sides of the same coin

      Because I guess they've been telling me
                                     My whole life
To get better

                    So of course
They hate that I started speaking truths
                                     To be free
Even though it continues to backfire on me

      Maybe if I continue to speak
           On this
Without their inflicted fear
              Will be the start of my life
I don't hold my breath for...