Your Struggles is What Creates Your Depth

LIPS GLUED SHUT.

(June 14th,2023)
I never know how to explain pain I can't talk about
You know that pain that makes you wanna cry so hard you create a new ocean
Pain that makes you want to scream until your throat and ears bleed
Pain that lifts the corners of your mouth just long enough to convince those around you
That you aren't slipping
Maybe you never stopped digging your grave
I think my pain started digging it at one years old
I wish sometimes I could rip my memories out every dirty part of it starting from the beginning
And play it on a billboard
So that those around can crash their cars trying to see better
And at least they'll all know that when I force myself to be numb it's because I can't explain this pain
The one you can't pinpoint
I feel my first awful memories turn in my brain
And then I think about my dad making us laugh so hard our milk is spraying everywhere
To the day I started public school after being bullied out of a catholic school and got my chair pulled out from under me and everyone laughed
The way he held me every time we went to the movies and how my head rested against his shoulders because the movie he picked out made me sleepy
Or the day my mom didn't fight hard enough to not let my dad drive super drunk with my pregnant self on the back of his four wheeler
How I begged him to slow down but he pretended to not hear me
To the day I convinced my mom to watch Pitch Perfect with me and laughed when she sang songs from the riff off
To wiping my grandpas mouth to keep his lips from cracking begging him to wake up
Only to never let me see his gentle, kind eyes ever again
Not remembering the last time I ever saw them
I hate days where the knot in my throat won't go away but I've numbed myself enough to not let tears fall
These kind of days look like my good days
But I'm just hiding this aching pain
And trying to not scream when you look me in the eyes and smile at me
This is the pain that will bury me...