Your Struggles is What Creates Your Depth

LOVE ADDICT.

(January 12th,2024)

It's crazy how fast I fall into the abyss after seeing you
I've wanted to rip my cabinets open finding anything because as a self-medicating addict
I have to drown you out
Even though all you said was "hi, Lindsay"
It felt like a part of me took all my progress and threw it out the window
How after I saw her I needed to run away
I did
She was long gone and I still left work early
Just to be behind his truck
There's no escape to this black hole
How can my mom sound and look so innocent and say a simple thing
But make me remember every moment I felt the need to die so maybe I could fix her view of me
How many times I begged to get into accidents and I'd be the only one injured and then, then would I receive that ounce of love Ive been begging them for my whole life
But hearing her say "hi, Lindsay" knowing I've begged her to leave me alone
Feel's almost cruel
Because as I limp and suck up pain from my almost fatal car accident
I remember
I almost died
Coulda
And nothing changed in the relationship
And the gravity of them still not listening or hearing or respecting any part of my being
Started within the curling words that seem so simple to those around me
Stung knowing I still have one of the notes my mom
Has given me in my glove department
All what's hidden within seemingly nice words
All the guilt trips
Gaslighting
How the pictures of me and my little brother in my room are literally from a similar slideshow
Because I've never been grateful for what I have I guess....

Meanwhile my dads drunk and my mom left us sitting in another restaurant with a drunk parent
As he offered me another sip

How do my words not hold any power

No matter how hard I try to deal with life
Without my parents

I want solitude but sometimes I feel like living in the same town as them after cutting them off is like chopping up Xanax on the table expecting me not to want to do every line
Is like telling me everything I find the courage to speak about
Is just another whisper
I want to drown out that no matter how much boundaries I've put up to protect my heart and soul
They chip it off effortlessly with one
Single
Glance
At
Me
And
They know I'm a fiend...