Conflicted

Chapter 1

Psalm 61: 1 Hear my cry, O God; attend unto my prayer.

Twenty-years ago

Savannah felt as if she was suffocating in the dry and musty old closet. It felt as if so many hours had passed since her mother told her not to come out. She hid her face in her knees frightened and confused wondering what to do. Savannah gripped her skin harshly hearing the loud, piercing and screaming voice of her mother echo through the room. "Oh God save my mommy," she thought trembling, Then there was complete silence that left a chill in the atmosphere. Savannah started to cry inconsolably as she intuitively came to grips that her mother was gone.

Savannah closed her eyes imagining this was all a bad dream she was in and she would soon come out of it. A few seconds later police sirens and voices filled the room. Still frozen and in shock, she peeked out the door and saw strange people in the room. Savannah ran out of the closet prompting a police officer to grab her.

"It's okay sweetie," she said embracing the child. Savannah's eyes searched the room seeing the blood and her mother's body covered with a sheet. She started to cry again seeing her mother's lifeless hand hanging motionlessly.

"The kid must have heard everything," one of the officers whispered to another as they collected forensics at the crime scene. "That's trauma no child should have ever witnessed," The other officer said and shook his head in concern.

Savannah was angry that her mother slept with men. She was angry that her father did not play a part in her life. And now her mother died at the hands of one of her psychotic lovers leaving her to survive alone in this world.

Savannah hated how the officers looked at her with pity and sadness. Her mother had told her about faith and God but where was he when her mother got killed? Her mother got a blow to her head that resulted in her demise. Savannah hated the life that her mother lived. She slept with men for money to take care of them after her father refused to help.

She hated this by all accounts because there was nobody else she wanted to be with but her mother. As far as Savannah was concerned she had no one to help her.

Present day

Savannah laid in bed and swallowed an aspirin for her splitting headache. She looked at the man lying in her bed feeling disgusted by his presence. She shoved him pulling her robe tightly together. After being with someone she automatically felt guilt, shame, and disgust. She used sex to get what she wanted or needed. However, she still felt lost and hopeless. Savannah hated it and did it frustrated and lonely at the end of the day without any pleasure. She simply craved being in control of her own body.

Once again she shoved the man in her bed who finally got up groggy with a huge grin on his face. "What is it, baby? Do you want more?" he said. "Get out. Leave now," Savannah ordered pointing towards the door. "Don't be like that. Last night was amazing. Chill and let's have some more fun," he suggested rubbing his fingers on her legs.

"Didn't I make myself clear? I don't do relationships. Get out before I scream or call the police," she said angrily opening the front door. "You are a piece of work lady," he said stunned grabbing pieces of his clothes without hesitation.

Savannah looked at him coldly void of emotions and agitated that he was taking so long to leave. She opened her apartment door and heaved his shoes outside indicating that she did not want him there a second longer. The gentleman left finally in awe of her reaction after their one-night stand. When he was gone Savannah slammed the door and locked it.

She fell to the ground next to the closed door angry with herself. Savannah cried and asked herself repeatedly, Why did she do this? She hated sex and every man she slept with made her hate it more and more. She knew nothing else and was angry that it was her major medium to get rid of the hurt, pain, and trauma over the years. Would I ever get to live a normal life? she thought heading to the shower.

Savannah got dressed and went to work at a law firm tired and frustrated that her life seemed stagnant spiraling out of control. She would drown herself in work as a paralegal and forget about her screwed-up life for now. As she drove to work, thoughts of her life after her mother's death got her recalling a past trauma or hurt she wanted to forget.

The awful scent of her foster father John Stuart lingered in her mind. He was a tyrant. Savannah never imagined that her life would be filled with violence, abuse, rape and torture. She was an innocent ten-year-old placed in the custody of foster care which ultimately ruined her life.

"Welcome to our home," Mary Stuart said. Savannah looked around the house which was old-fashioned in her view. "Thank you, ma'am," Savannah said already feeling weary of the situation. "My, my, you are a pretty little thing," Mary said in disgust walking around Savannah in disapproval. "You are my daughter and you will look the part," Mary said. "I will leave you some clothes on the bed and you can change before we go over the ground rules in this house," she indicated dominantly. Savannah was convinced she was put into the foster home from hell. When Mary was gone Savannah felt almost immediately uncomfortable in the presence of John Stuart, her foster father.

Savannah hated the way he stared at her so seductively. She was ten and completely naive to the world. When she went to change into Mary's dreadful clothes she left on the bed, John accidentally entered her room as she was changing. "You are gorgeous," he said licking his perverted lips and watching her body closely. "You are disgusting," Savannah said finding her voice only to anger John. Savannah was convinced the man was possessed by a demon by the way his eyes popped out of his head when he launched at her. "I see you have a mouth on you and that will be tamed very soon. You will learn who is the boss around here," he threatened her and walked away.

Savannah felt her heart drop at that moment and realized she was in a perplexing situation. She had no one to help her. Two weeks later John violently raped her devastating and scaring Savannah. She was angry that Mary hid behind her morals and religion while harboring a monster. When Savannah told her about it Mary beat her, blamed her for being a seductive Jezebel, and accused her of telling lies. Savannah felt stuck for a long time. Mary was forcing religion down her throat and John was forcing himself on her. Savannah was living a nightmare.

John raped her repeatedly for two years and then began selling her secretly to his friends for money and favors. Savannah wanted out of this hell hole and made a plan to run away. Savannah was anxious when he discovered what she was planning to do.

"Where do you think you are going? You are my lucky charm. You are not going anywhere baby, I love you," he said snatching the bag from her. Savannah completely lost it after that. "Love, you sick bastard. You rape me and prostitute me to men. You don't know the meaning of that word," she screamed hysterically.

"You have nobody. You need me," John said trying to convince her. As Savannah ran to the door he launched after her. Savannah grabbed one of the vases and hit him over the head. Mary walked in shocked. What is going on? she asked. "Mary, isn't it obvious? Your husband is a child molester and I am convinced you know it. He is too busy sleepy with me and ignoring you. Maybe if you prayed to God and was not so committed to religion your home and marriage would not be like this," Savannah screamed. Mary charged at her to slap her but Savannah caught her hand mid air. "I am no longer taking the abuse from you or your husband. If you do not let me walk out that door I will go to the authorities and I am sure you two will go to jail. Imagine the scandal and the talk among your church sisters, " Savannah said.

Mary backed away realizing the scandal would be horrific because she was concerned about her image. Savannah left and never looked back.

Savannah slammed breaks coming back to reality. "Watch it, lady," a gentleman shouted as Savannah pulled to the side of the road. She closed her eyes and breathed gently calming her raw emotions down. Reflecting on her past always brought her to a place she never wanted to revisit.