𝓦𝓱𝓸 𝓐𝓻𝓮 𝓨𝓸𝓾? - 𝓡𝓮𝓷𝓱𝔂𝓾𝓬𝓴

七 (Seven)

The next few days were about the same for Renjun. He couldn't do anything, and he hated it.

One day, however, he woke at an ultimate low. The second he opened his eyes, self-induced insults flew through his mind uncontrollably. Weak. Pathetic. Useless. Burden. After all, who would ever want to be near someone who couldn't even do anything for himself? He racked his brains for someone who would care if he died, but he couldn't think of anyone. No one would give a shit when he was gone. Why would they? He was just a waste of space anyway.

He couldn't help but wonder if anyone would ever love him for who he was.

Even before the crash, what did he have? A cheap, run-down bungalow in the poorest part of Seoul and barely enough money to afford a McDonalds' Happy Meal? From what he understood, the Lees had helped them out financially in any way possible - so even the friendship he thought he had was probably just a business matter.

He laughed bitterly at the thought of it. Had life been this bad before the crash? He could only assume so. No one in his situation had any reason to be happy. His mother tried, for his sake, but he could tell she was at her breaking point too.

Part of the debt the Huangs were in was Renjun's fault, too. If he hadn't been admitted to the hospital, none of this would have happened. In fact, that wouldn't have happened if he was never born. His mother would probably be living a happy life elsewhere, far away from the hell her son had caused her.

And as for Haechan and his family... what did the Lees have to worry about? They had money, they had happiness, and that was all that mattered. To them, Renjun was just another mouth to feed, too helpless to feed himself and his mother. He didn't matter to them, any of them. Haechan might act happy, but Renjun could tell he was breaking on the inside, and it was because of him. Because of his amnesia, because of the crash, because he was born, Haechan was unhappy.

Renjun didn't know why, but he found himself realizing that Haechan was the thing that mattered most to him. If Haechan was unhappy, he was unhappy. And Haechan was unhappy because of him.

It wasn't just that no one would care when he was gone - the world would be better without him. The people surrounding him would be much happier. All he did was burden them. He didn't deserve them, he deserved pain.

He grabbed the plushies he'd been sleeping with for the past few nights - the bear and the fox - and threw them at the wall angrily. They didn't even make it that far. Pathetic.

He noticed his breathing was much faster than normal, his heart rate speeding up too. His low was turning into a high, but not a good high. His body was shaking with the force of his anger. He hated everything about this - his weakness. His uncontrollable emotions. And mostly, himself.

What was the point of living if all he did was hurt others? Happiness seemed out of reach. And even if he could find it one day, he knew he didn't deserve it.

Just as he found himself subconsciously reaching for the cord of his blinds, there was a knock on the door. "Sweetheart, are you awake? Haechan's here to see you."

Renjun cursed under his breath. "This early in the morning? What about his classes?"

"He's already completed his work. He does an online schooling program." said his mother's voice from outside the door. "Do you need help getting dressed?"

"No, it's fine." said Renjun as casually as possible, trying his best to hide his self-directed anger. "Tell him I'll be out in about ten minutes."

He heard his mother walk away and sighed in relief. If she saw how pathetic he looked right then...

He looked in his mirror and winced. He was a mess. His hair was tangled and knotty, his eyes red from tiredness and crying. He looked... anything but presentable.

He chuckled bitterly. He was to be out in ten minutes? More like ten years.

He attempted to lift a gray hoodie that looked way too big for him off the floor of his closet, but failed. How the hell was he that weak?

He sighed and brushed his hair out of his eyes. This was gonna be a long day.

***

About thirty minutes later, Renjun had managed to dress himself in that oversized hoodie and a pair of skinny ripped jeans. He'd attempted to fix his hair, but to no surprise, he only made it worse. Just like he made everything else worse.

Miraculously, Haechan was still waiting for him, greeting him with a smile. "Hi, Renjunnie." he said cheerfully.

How could he smile when he saw the disaster titled Renjun?

But the elder faked a smile in return. "Hi, Chan." he said, carefully lowering himself onto the couch. "Why are you here?"

"I'll go make breakfast." said Ms. Huang hurriedly, rushing into the kitchen.

"I want to take care of you, Renjunnie." said Haechan simply.

"But what about your family? You said you had three younger siblings, what about them?"

"My mom's watching them right now." said Haechan. "You're more important."

If that was true, why did he feel so insignificant?

But he couldn't say that to Haechan's face. He was already enough of a burden. Haechan didn't need to worry about his mental health too.

"Well, thanks, I guess." said Renjun. "You really don't have to do this for me."

"I might as well, since you've already claimed my hoodie." chuckled Haechan.

Renjun looked down at his hoodie. "Is this yours? I'm sorry, I'll go change-"

"No, it's alright. I left that here for you." said Haechan. "So that if you ever feel lonely, you can wear that, and it'll feel like I'm with you."

Renjun blushed. "You make us sound like a couple."

Haechan laughed uncomfortably. "Yeah..."

An awkward silence filled the room for a moment. Unsurprisingly, it was Haechan who broke it.

"When's your first appointment?"

Renjun hesitated. Should he tell the truth? Why did he need to know, anyway?

"The first of April." he lied. Truthfully, his appointment was the second of April.

"I'll come with you." said Haechan.

Renjun choked on air. "That's really not necessary-"

"It's the least I can do." said Haechan. "I'm going to go help your mom with breakfast."

He stood up and left the room, leaving a shocked Renjun on the couch. It was safe to say... he fucked up.