When It Rains In Ocala

38- Remember When It Rained In Ocala

I met a boy a lot like you
It's funny how he used to sing it, too
But he was always just a little out of key
So much different than you and me
-Carrie Underwood, Do You Think About Me

Waa! Waa! Waa!

My eyes fluttered open at the piercing sound of a baby’s wail. I groggily stepped out of bed and looked at the nightstand where my alarm clock was lit up with the time. Two A.M., just like clockwork. I knew he’d cry tonight- he doesn’t like rain, and it was raining pretty hard.

My eyes were only half open in my morning tiredness as I dragged my feet out of my bedroom, hearing him snoring softly behind me. How he can sleep through the baby’s loud cries is way beyond me.  

I bent down and scooped the six month baby up into my arms and rocked him back and forth. “Shh, Beck, it’s okay. Mommy’s here.” I whispered, sitting down in the rocking chair in the corner of the room. I was wearing pajama shorts and a tank top as I sat down with Beckett in my arms, rocking him, wrapped in his baby blanket.

Eventually, the crying stopped and he just looked up at me with those big green eyes. I know this sounds crazy, but I swear he looks like you. He has your green eyes, your black hair, I can already tell that he’ll be a heartbreaker when he grows up. I know it sounds crazy, but his dad has brown eyes and blonde hair. Beckett Evan Spears is his full name. His dad let me name him after you, but I have no idea why- he’s too good to me sometimes. Or all the time.

When I realized that Beckett probably wasn’t going to sleep soon, I started rocking again and sang him a short lullaby.

Hush little baby, don’t say a word.
Mama’s gunna buy you a mockingbird.
If that mocking bird won’t sing,
Mama’s gunna buy you a diamond ring.
If that diamond ring turns brass,
Mama’s gunna buy you a looking glass.
If that looking glass gets broke,
Mama’s gunna by you a cart and goat.
If that cart and coat turn over,
Mama’s gunna buy you a dog named Rover.
If that dog named Rover won’t bark,
Mama’s gunna buy you a horse and cart.
If that horse and cart fall down,
You’re still the sweetest little boy in town.

By the time the small lullaby was over, Beckett was asleep in my arms.

I smiled softly and then eased out of the chair, careful not to wake my baby boy up. I kissed his forehead softly before putting him in his crib again and letting out a sigh of relief when he only stirred a moment, but didn’t wake up again.

I tiptoed out of the blue room and down the hallway again, but I knew that the rain was going to keep me up, so I didn’t go back to bed, I went downstairs, passing the other closed door that was painted a bright pink and then down the stairs of our home.

The house was dark and the sound of rain pounding on the windows and roof were the only sounds as I walked over to the cupboard that we kept in the living room and in the bottom drawer, there was a large photo album. It was a little dusty because I don’t get it out very often, but I always like to look back at it in the nights that I’m thinking of you.

I still miss you, Evan, even though I know I shouldn’t. I still wear your ring- the eternity leaf one- but I did move it to my right hand. I still think about you when it rains… and on your birthday, I take flowers to your grave and spend a good amount of time crying over it. You turned thirty last month. I still celebrate our wedding anniversary with a glass of wine with the girls. I still talk about you when I see Jason and sometimes, I’ll feel a tear fall down my face when I sit in the grass and feel it prickle my skin. And whenever I’m in a crowded place, I look for you. People say bad memories cause the most pain, but really it’s the good ones that drives you insane.