When It Rains In Ocala

37- Remember The Note

Tonight your memory burns like a fire
With every one it grows higher and higher
And I can't get over it, I just can't put out this love
I just sit in these flames and pray that you'll come back
Close my eyes tightly, hold on and hope that I'm dreaming
Come wake me up
-Rascal Flatts, Come Wake Me Up

 

Dear Maggie Mathews,

If you’re reading this, which you obviously are, then that means that the surgery didn’t work and I’m probably dead. You’ve probably already been to my funeral and you’re probably really sad right now.

I’m writing this because I can’t tell you this to your face because I know that you don’t want to think about this possibility. I know that you don’t want to hear the what ifs and the goodbyes, but they need to be said. So I gave this to Kyle and he’s going to give it to you for me. And I guess that our relationship started on an awkward, badly written note, so it’s ironic that it’s ending on one too, right? I hope you smiled at that because that was hilarious. In fact, I hope you smile at everything because that’s what you deserve.

And I might have already told you some of this stuff, but I don’t know if I have or not because as of right now, I haven’t said them. Anyway, here it goes.

I want you to know that I’m okay with what’s happening, and after thinking about it, I’m okay with dying, I really am. I mean, it really sucks that I’m leaving you because just that thought alone makes me sick to my stomach. I can never imagine hurting you and I can’t tell you how sorry I am for putting you through this. And don’t blame yourself for any of this, okay? I jumped in front of that bullet myself and it was my decision that I don’t regret making. I would do it again if I had to, and again and again because it saved your life and that’s all that matters.

So since I’m not there anymore, you gotta live for both of us. You gotta go after your dreams and live your life to the fullest, to the brightest potential. And trust me, Princess, you have the potential. Don’t let this goodbye slow you down.

And know that I love you. I will always and forever love you with everything I have and I know I might sound girly, but what do I have to lose, right? Okay, that’s probably too soon because you’re probably still mourning, but Princess, please don’t. Don’t cry about the past, smile at the memories and move on. And right now, you’re probably crying and getting tears on this paper but Princess, please don’t. I hate seeing you cry and I’m probably looking over you right now, wishing that I could be there to wipe away your tears. So you can’t cry because now, I’m not there to kiss away your tears like I so badly want to.

So instead of crying, why not laugh? Laugh and smile and giggle, I love the sound of your giggle.

So move on, okay? Meet somebody new, it’s okay to move on. It’s okay to get married and fall in love again and have kids- they’ll be beautiful if they look anything like their mom. And you make sure that husband treats you right. You make sure that you don’t settle for anything less than you deserve.

But even when you move on, I don’t want you to forget me. I want you to remember me and all the good times we had together. I want you to close your eyes and smile at those precious three months and someday, you can tell your kids about me and the summer we spent together. And just in case you grow to have a terrible memory, I made a list of things that you should remember because Princess, I’ll never forget these moments.

Remember when we met- you were so adorable, covered in mud and damn it Princess, I swear I even loved you then.

Remember when I called- I was so nervous to talk to you again. I thought that it was too soon and you’d think I was creepy, but you seemed happy to hear from me, I was so relieved.