Endzone

Bigger than the whole sky

Tw: mentions of miscarriage. 

This evening took such a turn.  It started of great with fun conversations over takeout, they'd often talk and talk when they finally had some time together. That turned to a more serious conversation about the future,  but still lighthearted. He made a joke about pregnancy and babies. Taylor's whole demeanor changed, she got quiet and tried to change the subject. 

" It was just a joke, sorry. I know it's still kinda early but I don't think it's crazy to think like that? He says " you are so good with children and adore them, like how I am with kids. I just figured you would want them?" 

" it's complicated" is all Taylor says shifting uncomfortably hoping he would drop it 

" how so? unless you don't want kids. But If that's the case why were you asking Brittany about pregnancy or toddlers? " 

" like I said, it's complicated." She responds curtly 

Travis's  eyebrows furrow in confusion. Normally she's not vague. Why is she so touchy about this?  He wonders briefly if maybe she can't have kids and feels like an ass. , but that can't be the case either considering the pregnancy scare they had. Or the birth control she's on. 

" I don't understand" 

" you don't have too" she says with a bit more attitude than intended 

" you're bothering me with these vague comments babe" he chuckled, still not quite picking up on the temperature change in the room as he shoveled more chicken into his mouth 

" and you're bothering by not dropping this when I'd like to change the subject. " she says harshly getting up from her seat and leaving the room. He heard their bedroom door slam

He's confused by the reaction.  

She's absolutely not the type to storm off like that. He gives her some time to cool off as he finishes eating. He took time cleaning up before heading upstairs to check on Taylor. 

He approached the bedroom door with some hesitancy, not sure if she still wanted some time to herself. He lightly knocked " it's me, can we talk?" 

" it's unlocked" she mumbles from the bed. That was all he needed to enter and join her. She's sitting with her knees to her chest, arms wrapped around herself protectively. He takes a seat next to her on the bed and Before he even opens his mouth she starts talking. 

" I was pregnant. In 2021" she starts quietly  "  It was unplanned but I wanted that baby. And the cruel thing was the timing was perfect....tour had been canceled and we had the privacy of a lockdown. I had time for this baby and time to plan how I wanted to navigate things in regards to my career and motherhood. We were happy. I got ahead of myself planning, only to be burning that crib in a backyard bonfire months later.  I lost the baby" she sobs

" I just remember waking up with sharp cramps and blood only to have my worst fears confirmed by an ultrasound" she continues 

" I'm so sorry Taylor" he reached over to give her a hug as she cries.  

" I've been told it was for the  best because I don't have it in me, to be a mom.  I care too much about my job." she adds sadly.  He wanted to stop her and tell her that's crazy but let her keep talking 

" I always wanted to be a mom though, the kind of mom my mom was . I saw myself with at least 4 kids. But changed my mind a few times because I  worried if it would be unfair with all the cameras and instability of my life. Then I learned to live a more quiet life and thought okay I can do this, I had also quietly released albums in a pandemic. I knew how to still do what I love while protecting my personal life. So I wasn't scared about that. But it didn't  matter in the end.   To make matter worse, around the same time I had to deal with pregnancy speculation and being called 'childless' in articles,  Which is a gross label to put on any woman simply because they don't have kids by age 25,  but they don't know my story"