Arziyaan

Anger and Emptiness

Karne Gaye The Uss Se Taghaful Ka Hum Gila,
Ki Ek Hi Nigah Ki Bas Khaak Ho Gaye

-Mirza Ghalib

Gila Bhi Tujhse Bahut Hai Magar Mohabbat Bhi,
Woh Baat Apni Jagah Hai Yeh Baat Apni Jagah.

- Basir Sultan Kazmi

Mithi became Meerab's solace in the coming days. Her schedule was so busy that she did not have a chance to dwell on her issues. The doctors and interns from Humaira Memorial were allotted their section of the hospital. The camp opened to the patients at 6 am and closed at 9 pm. By the time they finish with the last patient, it will easily be 10:30 pm. This hospital lacked many specialty doctors, so many people needed medical care. Meerab would prepare charts for senior, hourly rounds, and post-op care while treating minor injuries and general virals. Since the undergraduate students were not allowed to provide medical care, they were simply support staff for the doctors.

Meerab would hold the hands of the family members when a loved one was in surgery. The goal of medical students was to educate on prevention rather than cure. Then, there was a daily struggle with uncooperative and unwilling family members. Even though the Humaira Memorial provided free medical care, some people were closed-minded about medicine and treatment. By the end of the day, Meerab would be worn down to her bones, yet she loved every minute. She felt liberated, not that she was not happy with her role as Khaani. There was peace in doing what you truly love. Meerab finally understood her husband's struggle with "Khan's Pagdi."

Understanding him in one aspect does not mean she has forgiven him for walking out on her during a conversation. Communication was the only thing she had requested of him in this marriage, and every time there was an issue, her husband's go-to solution was to shut down on her. Murtasim Khan may be the master of the universe in his Bironi suits and Patek Phillipe when he was in his office and on his lands, but ownership of his home, his life and his heart belonged to Meerab Khan, and she had no problem reminding him now and then. So for about 12 days, Meerab called Badi Amma every mealtime caught up with every family member and ignored her husband.

If he chooses not to talk to her, she will show him how to do it properly. Meerab missed seeing his face light up when he saw her, the mischief dancing in his caramel orbs, the safety of his embrace and the love that showed in every action. She was not upset that he did not want to have kids. She was angry that he was unwilling to have a conversation to address his fears. Sometimes, she would see him standing behind Badi Amma, a little out of the frame where she knew he could see the screen, but she could only see a shoulder or an arm. In return, Meerab did not wear any bangles. Two can play this game. Khan Sahab took her peace, so she took away his solace and sanity.

At 11 pm on the twelfth day of his wife's absence for the medical camp, Murtasim Khan settled into his study to receive the daily report from Zafar. He could not stand being in their room while she was away, yet he could not leave for any business trips because he did not want to be away from anything that was hers. Her absence made him want to burn everything around him. Murtasim has realized that without his Meerab, he was incapacitated. He barely ate anything as the food had no taste without her. Sleep seemed to have been left with his wife, and his lungs seemed not to process any oxygen. Everything had stilled in his life without her. Murtasim had not heard the music her bangles generated, which meant he had not found a minute of solace since she left.

Murtasim left the Haveli early in the morning before everyone woke up and came in when he was confident that the family would be asleep. He was on everyone's shitlist, and he did not care one bit. He could fight god for her. His family was nothing. Even though no one in the family knew the reason for their argument, his family declared him the culprit. He was the only one who knew how stubborn his wife could be when push came to shove. She had not tried to talk to him in twelve days. Every day during her video calls with Badi Amma, she checked in on everyone but never made a single inquiry about him. He had lost weight, dark circles covered his under eyes, and his attitude was unbearable for everyone. Anyone looking at him thought he had aged a decade in twelve days. Why could she not understand that Murtasim Khan would cease to exist in a world without Meerab Khan?

Murtasim looked at the coffee table in his study, where trinkets he had bought for his begum lay for each day she was gone—anything that reminded him of her, he would purchase it. So far, the twelve things were glass bangles, a pack of bindis, a beautiful emerald Kashmiri Shawl, a matching set of Cartier watches for them, a pair of jhumkas from a street vendor, a Jane Austen bookset, a pair of diamond anklets, a pack of henna, a lilac sari for her graduation, a special order gold pendant that read "Begum," her favourite mint fennel tea and shipped her a pair of Gianvitto Rossi heels in ruby red. Her teary eyes when she was leaving were still haunting him. Meerab had left, and Murtasim Khan was now empty.

As Zafar trailed to the last end of the report, Murtasim asked him a question that had been bugging him for a while, "You don't like me, Zafar, do you?"

"No, I don't, Khan Sahab," young Zafar replied from the other end.

Murtasim was now amused, "And why do you not like me?" This young man had been diligent in the entire camp's security and had been Meerab's shadow the whole time. This was interesting to him.

There was a pause on the other line. Zafar paused to contemplate, "Because you have not accepted us as your people yet. I don't trust that you can put your need for revenge and hatred for Maliks and Shahs behind you and put your people first. Yes, you are trying to teach better farming techniques, better seeds, and better education, but it seems like you are in a rush. Change starts with conversations first, and you want to jump to implementation first. You are being selfish. Duty without devotion is pointless. Money is not the solution to all the problems."

This perspective was not given to Murtasim before. Nobody would dare say these things to him, fearing for their life. Murtasim admitted to himself that he was being selfish but prodded further, "Then why do you work for me, Zafar?"

"Because you protected Meerab Baji, fulfilled Agha's promise to Bakhtu Chacha. That tells me you are a good man. You deserve a chance," Zafar stated facts to his boss, "And Armaan Bhai thinks that you will be good for people, and I trust his judgement."

"But the jury is still out for me," Murtasim voiced Zafar's unsaid words. "I appreciate the honesty, Zafar. I will win you over one day."

"The jury is still out on you, but Khan Sahab, there is a bigger concern right now," Zafar continued as

Murtasim won a little of his trust with the last sentence, "Ahad Qureshi was here at the hospital today, not at the camp, just in the hospital wing. It seemed like he was looking for someone. He was showing around the picture of a young girl. When I asked around, they told me it was his younger sister."

Ahad Qureshi was the Humaira's husband. Murtasim was surprised that his name used to make him see red, but now he felt nothing toward this man. Last, he had known that after Humaira's death, his entire family had moved. Murtasim had not bothered to check, as Ahad Qureshi no longer meant anything to him. But if his sister was missing, something sinister was brewing. Just then, his phone binged, and Murtasim saw pictures of Rohail's car entering Mithi by the trail Junaid had put on him. His heart in his throat, Murtasim ordered Zafar, "You keep a very close eye on Meerab, Zafar. Something is wrong. I will see you tomorrow morning."

I am really sorry about the delay, I apparently sucked at maintaining my one and only new year resolution. January is a giant Monday, Ugh! I know this is a short update but I will make it up by posting on Sunday. I was snowed and promised an update. I am not giving up on this resolution yet. Comments and chappals are totally welcome. 

Be kind and lots of love 

Blues