the Lost & Unfound : my diary

.13.

<13.1.24>

I'm writing this a lot of earlier today. It's almost 10:30am? Yet there's a lot on my mind already and I've decided that I don't wish to wait very long.

I just had an argument with my dad, which started from just a normal conversation about wanting to get out of the house and spending time outside together with my family. However, I feel as though my energy levels are always low, and I for some reason find it frustrating to tell my parents that. It's as though they don't understand how my exhaustion impacts my daily functioning. It feels kind of unfair that when my mother is exhausted she gets to stay home, or when my father is tired he gets to stay home too. For some reason it's almost like I "can't get exhausted".

My mental exhaustion deeply affects my physical wellbeing. And because of that, I need time to heal and recover, just like anyone else would if they're physically exhausted. I feel like they would be able to work around my need for rest, if they opened up to actually understanding a little more.

I'm already imagining scenarios in my head where the outcome would be a lot more healthy for the both of us. An outcome, that would be that I get to have a good time without feeling burdened and exhausted, and my parents getting the good family quality time that they need. It's all possible and I know it. But there's always a lack of communication somewhere. Even when I think I'm executing my words correctly, for some reason it goes downhill in the end.

I genuinely thought that spending some family time was a good idea this morning. I was open to it, until we went deeper into the conversation. I said I was tired and that I would've been more open if I was told and if I had agreed in advance that I wanted to head out. I can't deal with changes of plan like that, when I already had planned to study today and clean up my room a little bit. But as always, that gets misunderstood as me not wanting to spend time at all. Because of my choice of words, I feel like I never get understood to 100% in the moment. I don't like being direct, and I usually make my answers more open ended so that it leaves room for me to see how they want to do things, so that I can change my answers to match theirs. However, a lot of the time it gets taken the wrong way. I started crying and getting upset and overwhelmed.

I felt the need to release my anger somehow, and I was hitting myself a little bit to 'snap myself out of it', which seemed like I was overreacting. In complete honesty, I felt like I was under-reacting. I was suppressing a lot of my anger that it caused me a bit of pain in my chest.

Now I'm just lying on my bed, not wanting to achieve anything of the things I previously felt the motivation to do. I feel frustrated. I wanted to rest today to be honest but now I feel quite restless.

—Yuna