The Forbidden Love

Burning Pain

Days passed by, yet I couldn't process what I have lost. I felt empty. My thoughts were going in a looping direction as I tried to figure out why can't we just work. I wish it was easier, I wish life was easier. I didn't know what I did to never be with the person I would imagine my entire future, step by step and in every details. I still wanted everything back, I wanted to have him again. I wanted him to be mine and I wanted to be his forever and even in another lifetimes. I still love him so much.

I wanted to sleep, but something was missing and it was the 'Good night, I love you, text me when you wake up'.
Today, I miss him like hell... I never slept enough, barely a few hours and the first thing I think of is him, I checked my phone and he hasn't responded yet, I wonder what he was doing..the message wasn't even about anything. I try to focus on one thing that actually matters at this moment-
Going to sleep..but I can't do it anymore, my thoughts are spiraling. What happened between us? Where did we go wrong? How do we go back to how it was before? Is this even possible? I checked my phone again, obviously nothing has happened in that few minutes, I don't even know what I'm expecting, all I know is that I recognise this sinking feeling in my chest, I know what is coming...oh yeah it is going to hurt...
The saddest part was realising we could have worked, if he was truly in love with me, I ask myself a question repeatedly "Why...?", he would have fought for me right...? But he didn't and that just means he loves him more than he loved me.
I like to think that our story is not over yet, that someday we will meet again and finally get it right, there's still nothing I can do. Until now I still haven't deleted our conversation, so when I miss him, I can still read our old conversations, I can listen to his voice notes, can look at the old pictures, but that makes me miss him even more, I can't get over him because no one gave me the feeling he gave me, so no more good morning texts, no more good night texts, no more updates throughout our days, no more sending tiktoks to each other, no more jealousy and overthinking, no more us. I want to go back to the time when we were crazy in love, no limits just the two of us, my fear was losing him, so did I lose him like a fragile petal in the wind, brushing the ground fading away. In the darkness of the night, I still think of him and feel him, hoping that one day, I can have him back in my arms and for once in real life, not only in my dreams, but for now all I have is regret, because my fear came true, I don't know if its that hard to love ...maybe we are not meant to be today, but meant to be in the future, I truly love him even if he hurt me more than anything, I hope he thinks about it, I still choose pain over pleasure, I just don't understand why or how he changed that fast, he was literally so in love with me and then out of nowhere it was all gone...how..? For as long as I exist, he will always be loved, even if I can't tell him that, we can't force compatibility, he was everything to me, still he is. Months ago, we stayed up until 3 a.m. talking and laughing and today I don't even know how to say "Hey", maybe I was stupid that I gave my heart to someone who didn't want it, now im stuck with someone who doesn't want me and me not wanting anyone else, maybe one day he will realise what he lost...I don't know and I truly believe when the time is right we will find each other again...he was the reason I was excited to wake up in the morning, he was my sunshine and star shine in the night, no matter how bad day I had, he always found a way to light it up, his smile was the most adorable thing ever, his voice was sweet like candy and calming like the sound of the rain, his heart was fragile but I kept it safe for as long as we were together, his words were just as perfect as he seemed to be, but all our future plans faded away within a few minutes.. I don't think I can ever heal from this, I'm happy we had our time, it was such a lovely love story.
But then why still him...? Because he was the who brought back my smile ...I miss him, he has no idea how much I miss him right now, I just want to hug him and never let go...People say "Now you can talk to whoever you want", I'm not interested, I'm waiting on that one person to come back, so we can do it right and if that never happens then I will just love him silently with everything in me until the day I die... I will always love him no matter what, even if he doesn't want me, I will be still there, I promised forever and I meant it. He made me cry myself to sleep, but I still only need him whenever I'm sad.
After all that, he made me feel like I was nothing to him, yet I still feel so whole whenever I'm with him. He hurt me, and I still view him as my favourite person. Why would he say all those things when he wasn't planning on staying...?
We don't talk much anymore, but I still wake up every day looking for his messages on my phone. I have been thinking a lot lately, especially about us, and how we used to be. He always used to say, that he is so scared of losing me and that he could never live without me, all he needs is me, now look at him choosing to face his biggest fears, losing me and living without me. I don't know how to describe it, but I have never met anyone who is equally beautiful inside and out like him. It's said that a person who truly loves you, will never let you go or give up on you, no matter how hard the situation is...then what happened now..?
As long as I'm still breathing, he will always have someone who is proud of him, for everything he has achieved. Then I saw him in my dreams again, I held him a little tighter, because I knew when I wake up, he will be gone...But what if we gave a second chance...? I want all of my lasts to be with him, sometimes home is a person, its him...and this happens like one day someone walks into your life...a total stranger and they become so important to you, and while you have known them for such a short time, you feel you have loved them for a life time, that's how I felt like, so for now all I want is nothing more to get that "I miss you, can we try again, I was stupid to let you go" message. I tried everything so that I would not to lose him and at the end I did, we are now strangers again with memories, I know I should give up on it and stop trying over again and again, but my heart tells me to keep going the story isn't over yet, it's going to turn out well again I should wait, but my brain is telling me to move on, it's gonna hurt more than I will ever know, I am not prepared for this, my young soul is going to break so badly, but how big would I dream, if I knew I couldn't fail? On the other hand I believed in everything he said to me, all the things we would have done,only happiness, laughter in a house, incredible love and peace...but the complete opposite happened, he left me, even though he promised to stay, it was just a dream after all, it was never reality, I was just escaping from it, fell for someone who didn't even want me in the first place, I gave my heart to this person and told "Its yours, take care of it and never give it back, it's yours forever" but at the end I got it back, with screws and knives in it. It was bleeding in his hands and I didn't feel anything.
I got completely crushed, something inside me died that day. Maybe I shouldn't have trusted him? No, that's not the thing, I don't know what did I do wrong...
Maybe I didn't try enough..maybe he didn't care enough, maybe the desire wasn't worth anything.
He knew about me a lot, yet I got stabbed in the heart by him, I thought it could be different, but no...I was wrong. I guess people won't understand it now, the reality behind how I feel....it's something that gave me motivation...a spark that kept me alive, but now its gone...what do I do... I keep checking my phone hoping for something good, something that will be able to help me stand up, but I will be needing stitches to keep doing great in life, I feel empty, my heart feels cold and tears of sadness are running down on my face, I'm trying to hide my feelings but I don't think I can help myself, I'm still catching myself trying to change the ending and I ask a question myself "Why don't you just give up already?". My inner thoughts are killing me, I feel like i'm slowly dying, I can't help it but to keep hurting myself, it hurts, so much, I can't express myself anymore, I put too much energy into something that could be never the same again, I was too naive to believe in the fact that we could work out, but this is not how life wanted. I want be mad at him, I want to say "I hate him", but I can't because I love him and I want him to be happy and thats all I ever wanted for him was to be happy but I wish it was me, I wish it was me who made him happy.
I don't know what I did wrong maybe I did deserve this pain and suffering, I still love him even through everything he said and did to me
I hope he still thinks about me, not in an obsessive way, I don't want him to miss me and cry alone at night, I want him to live to the fullest in life, even if I am no longer in his present life, but I was a part of. I can't help it, but read our old conversations, when we were so in love when I was everything he needed, I can't help, but hope that all this will come back one day.
Right person wrong time, that's what I'm telling myself since he left, but somehow it feels pathetic, so pointless..if he was the right person it would work, no?  The right person would fight for me, no? He wouldn't wait for the right time, because the timing might never be right, that's why it's maybe just an excuse to not admit that the relationship failed he thinks that it would work, just not right now that he is meant to be, but not at this moment in time that the love is still there, but you both need to heal from your past first and you simply can't do that together but maybe he was the right person at the right time, he came into my life to show me that I can be loved and that I'm worth it, he came into my life when I least expected it, when I needed someone like him more than anything else. I still hope that I'm wrong and that it's truly not our time yet that we will both meet each other again, under the same unexpected circumstances, when we're both ready and try again and that next time, we will do it right. It still hurts sometimes..I will catch myself thinking about it at night. While I'm healing and growing, I feel like I have no one to share with. That one part that I could tell everything to is gone and has been for a long time. The long nights are filled with silence as I'm processing through my trauma and each new discovery or milestone, I meet with a blank screen and a missing peace of my heart. We have been dead pretty much a long time, but some nights it's nice to look back at the good times, because there were a lot of them. There was also lack of communication, trust, un-dealt with trauma and but the good times where that wasn't happening. The times where we confided in each other and were laughing being complete lunatics and understanding each other on a wavelength that no one else could keep up with. Even to this day it's hard to find someone who matches that intensity. I miss that. I miss that wave. I'll catch myself wondering, 'What if I was wrong?' 'What if we could try again?' but in all reality, there were walls between us that we never talked through.
Afterwards this wasn't supposed to happen, I wasn't supposed to love him like this.
When I first met him l wouldn't have ever imagined that he would be the one I would ache for, the one whose name leaves me with this nostalgic pain. the Stolen glances, hot romances, secret messages and clues. We know that this is a forbidden love so true. That exists between me and him, so perfect for one another, but each promised to others,fighting our feelings to keep them hidden. We eventually give into a love most forbidden. The worst tragedy in the world is when two people who love each other oh so much just can't make it work and maybe we're just like the sun and the moon - deeply in love with each other, but too different to exist side by side.

The End