relying on love -Tom Kaulitz

anagapesis.

...

I woke up to rain patting against the window, the cold embrace of the room, the frozen air filled my lungs as the warmth that once came from Tom's body wrapped around mine was gone. I heard muffled voices downstairs through the slighty open door, it sounded horrible outside, a storm that could flood the streets. I sat up wondering to myself, how many more times am I going to wake up in this bed. In this room. Or wake up at all.. I walked over to Tom's wardrobe, grabbing some random shirt that was already to big for him so will be much to big for me, walking over to the door opening it a bit more. Staring at the clock in the hallway, 12:56pm. I felt weak as I stumbled down the stairs slowly.. Trying to adjust my ears to the sound, my eyes to the light and my brain to my own thoughts. Gustav walked past the stairs noticing me and smiling softly "you're awake, hungry?" he said giving me a small nod. I had no apitite. "sorry, I'm not." I continued to walk downstairs, I took a look around, trying to listen to hear where everyone else was..

My first guess was the living room, they weren't there.. Gustav walked up behind me startling me a little "They're in the garage, if you were wondering" I turned to him, giving him a small smile "thank you.." I said back as I was about to leave the room he stopped me "Look Jen.. I don't know what you went through but. Well if you have no one else to talk to I'm always here everything's safe with me, ok.?" Gustav gave me a sympathetic look, usually someone talking to me with such care would warm my heart, soften my cheaks and bring love to my brain, but none of this happened. I felt just as insane as I did yesterday, and the day before.. I said nothing but walked away, walking into the garage where just as he said, Tom, Bill and Georg was. Bill noticed me first, as his face dropped, regret and sorrow rushing over him as he instantly tried to look away, but he didn't. He just teard up instead. Staring at me, that caused Georg to look over to see what Bill was so upset over. He gave me a wide smile as he called me over "Jen!" and at the sound of someone calling my name Tom darted his head to me, I couldn't read him. He had nothing, no happiness, no sympathy no regret, he felt just as I did. But that hint of love, of lust flooded his whole emotion as he looked at me.

"hey" I quickly responded, the room fell quiet. It was awkward they all just looked at me, in shock maybe.. I didn't know what I was expecting, but I think this was it. Bill spoke, "Jen, Jen I'm so sorry.. I wish," he stopped, thinking of what to say, and I let him think. After all this was his fault "I thought I was doing the right thing.." he finished. I looked down, walking over to him, "You gave me away. Like I was nothing, just some kind of animal." Bill didn't answer, instead Tom answered for him. "Jen he is sorry, you have no Idea how much he regretted what he did.." I looked up at Tom. I expected to feel the same way I felt whenever I looked at him, such sorrow. But it was so relateble, I used to feel he really understood me. But he didn't understand anything. "Tom, this isn't about you." there was much more discussing to do with Tom. But he isn't the one who made that happen to me..

"Bill, I know you regret it. I dont know what you thought it was going to do. But" I couldn't finish it, I didn't feel happy that he was sad about it, but I definitely didn't want him not too. "But... Nothing." my voice quivered as my eyes swelled up with small tears running down the side of my cheeks. Tom rested his hand on my shoulder "Jen.." he said softly, but I took his hand off turning to him once more "I'm leaving. I'm going back home, i thought moving away was going to help, I thought running away would help me.. But it made everything worse. I fell in love with you, only now realising that I fell in love with someone who was making me crazy. "Tom looked at me in shock. I wasn't sure what part he was in shock about..

Georg stood closer to me "Jen, please, think about this." but I had thought about it, I couldn't not think about it. "Tom, you consumed every thought of my day. I wanted no one but you, your protection healed me.. But now, when I'm without you I'm scared, I'm vulnerable, I'm. Brakable." Tom continued to say nothing. And I didn't blame him. I wasn't going to get angry, he wrapped his arms around me for the last time. Finally speaking

"you want to go home?, you can stay in Germany, I won't bother you ever again." those words. Ever again.. They sent a spark down my body. He made me question myself again. "I'm calling my father now, I'm going back." my heart began to race, but I had killed. The memory of staying here, of being with Tom will never leave me, the horrible feeling of epmtiness can never go, but that doesn't mean it has to consume me like it has consumed him. "I'm sorry Tom.. I really did love you." he nodded kissing my head softly, I looked at everyone, they all looked sad that I was leaving, but they were understanding, I finally turned to bill "I forgive you, it's ok.. It helped me realise what I needed.." he held his hands to his face as he cried.

I left the room, finding the house phone and dialing my fathers number. It rang for awhile, the rings filling my ears and circling around in my head, antill it stopped and a voice spoke "Hello, this is Harson what Is your business calling this number?" it was his sectary. "it's Jeneane.. I'm coming home. Please inform father of this." he sounded pleased to hear from me. "Oh why hello Jenie! What a wonderful surprise, I'm sure he'd be glad to hear all about your trip, when will you be arriving home?" I get out a long sigh. "tomorrow, hopefully." I didn't bother to let him respond as I hung up. I walked back over to Tom "Give me a ride to the hotel, I'm packing my things." Tom sat up, walking away to his brothers side and over to his car where I also walked too.

We both got in, driving to what I used to think to be my new start to life. "Jen, what you said back there.." Tom spoke slowly, I could hear the tears start to form in his deep, endless dark brown eyes full of thoughts. "you loved me, I made you crazy.. I made you question yourself. I'm not going to convince you to stay, and I don't want you to go.. But everything you went through, I won't feel bad about it." even though my love for him had already left, I couldn't help but feel a sharp pain as he spoke. Not that I wanted him to be hurt by me leaving, but did I have no effect on him, as he once did to me. Still does to me.. I responded with a simple "ok.." I really didn't want to dive deeper into this conversation. Well, more then it already was at least.

And at that we made it to my hotel, as we walked into the room I wondered. "Hey Tom, what ever happened to that lady that worked here.." I asked, while packing my bags up for the second time. "I killed her." he said coldly, I wanted to freak out. But it was nothing I hadn't done myself anymore.. I finished packing. Taking one last look at my room that I had such high hopes for. Tom came up behind me, wrapping his hands around my waist, and burying his head in my neck. "I'm going to miss you Jen.."

We stood there for awhile, I didn't love Tom. But I didn't want his touch to leave my body, I still felt the same way for him as I did before. But that wasn't, and still isn't love. Maybe it is. But I don't know, that's why I have to leave."come on Tom, you need to drive me to the airport.." I whispered, I didn't want to make any sudden noise. Tom slowly let go of me, I could feel how much he wanted to hold me forever, because I felt the same.

We walked back outside, he helped me carry my bags and put them in the car, driving me to the airport, the rain still hitting against every window we drove by including the cars, the road was foggy and the sky was white.. I felt tired, almost falling asleep in the car before we got there. I wasn't ready to leave.

I got the ticket sorted out, and by that time. It was already time for me to go, Tom hugged me one last time.. "Jen, please be safe. And if you ever change your mind. Please call" I nodded, going home felt like a nightmare. I had to face everything I had left behind.. And I had to see my old friend again.. After everything.

Bording the plane was easy, everything went smoothly and the plane ride was long but calming, I had first class as my mother had arranged it for me. And I ended up sleeping most of the way, and as I got off everything felt like I was repeating time. Accept now I was different, I had ended 2 people's lives. Gotten tortured, almost end another. So much horrible shit happen. I was completely done with it all, With Tom especially.

Two security guards were waiting for me, they didn't speak or look at me. I didn't care, they led me to a car and put me in the back, it was just a musrable day as it was in Germany.. I felt freezing, no longer having the warm and comforting arms of Tom's wrapped around me. I tried to close my eyes to sleep, but I wasnt tired anymore. And eventually after an even longer quiet car ride, I was finally home. Well, I wouldn't call it that. I was finally at my patents house. Ready to start over.. Again.
That cold empty feeling I had left Germany with, still resinating within.
...

~{Anagapesis :- You are no longer feeling any attraction towards someone you once loved; A falling out of love.}~