relying on love -Tom Kaulitz

i finally understand.

...

We stood there, hugging for a good while antill Tom pulled back, holding my face in his hands, I lent my face against his soft touch,

I had killed someone. Because Tom couldn't, and I can't say I felt bad about it, kit was family, but was he really if he thought he could hurt me. That feeling, of wanting to understand Tom only growing as he looked into my eyes, for once he had the feeling I was looking for, all the emotion and confusion as I did.

My breathing was heavy, not fully even comprehending what had just happened "I'm sorry Jen.. That you had to do that, you didn't have to.. I could've" he said sorry, and he was. He knew how it felt obviously, he didn't want me to go through it, that's why he was holding the gun not me. But that's not how it ended up, I raised my hand to his, holding it against my face "Tom." I said softly, quietly like it was my first time speaking again..

I didn't know how to end that, because he was right. I didn't have to do that, if I wanted kit dead I would have said yes when he asked me, I could have had Tom done it for me, I looked down at kits body, only for a second before Tom forced my face to look back at him.

"don't make it worse for yourself.. Let's just go home. Whatever home you want to go to" he sounded caring, I wanted to cry I wanted to brake down in his arms. I wanted to scream and yell at him at the same time, I wanted to run so I didn't have to do anything like this anymore, I wanted to laugh about this. And just forget about it.

I didn't do any of those things, I got in his car, it felt as if the rolls have switched, I felt, nothing. But he was full of emotion, when we got in the car I turned to Tom "lets go somewhere quiet." I asked him, he just nodded, kissing my head as he turned the car on, we drove for awhile it lasted much longer, I think he was driving slower. I couldn't tell at this point.

He took me to some car park, it was completely empty, but had a petty good view. It felt cold and dangerous, I sighed, Tom was looking at me. Admiring me as I turned to him, a hint of pain sparked up in his eyes. As all I felt was anger, "What is up with you Tom." he looked at me confused "me?" he said, seeming offended

"yes you. One second you hate me, then you don't, then you do. Then you fuck me! Then you hate me again and now you care again! So what the hell Tom. Tell me right now what are you doing to me!!"

I was done. Done with Tom, done with everything and everyone, he had caused me to kill another human, lust for him but at a cost for losing my humanity, what sick and twisted idea of caring was that.

He looked at me, he looked like he wanted to be shocked, but I was right. Of course I was. I waited for a response. But I didn't get one. Not for awhile at least "do you have nothing to say." I began to tear up. Had I just imagened that he cared, or did he never even try. Everything felt hopeless, my heart felt honestly broken.

"Jen. It's complected ok.." His response just fired me up more. I hated when guys thought that was a valid response, it doesn't explain anything, it's the worst excuse any man can use "what's complected Tom!? The fact I just killed someone because you were to pussy too!." I wanted to run, end this. But yelling at him, letting it all out was too good. I didn't want to let him go without letting him know how dameged I had become already.

"Jen.. You won't understand yet. Please just give me, time." as much as his voice used to make me flutter in my head, All it did was make me want to cry now. "time for what Tom.." I gave up the yelling, it hurt far to much. I began to tear up. Tom looked, upset. I didn't want him to be. I didn't think he had a right to be upset right now.

But with a blink. He was back to the cold angry man he truly was. There had to be something wrong with him, I sighed and lent back in the leather car seat, silently crying to myself, as he sat. Saying nothing at all, as if I wasn't there. That same invisible feeling came back. The one I hated so much but was so used too, I didn't want to be so familiar with this type of love and care.

I wanted to go back, and move somewhere else to restart. But I already did that, I took the easy way out and it made it worse, I heart Tom speak. But I didn't care for what he was saying, I was lost in thought. Everything that's happened, I was sitting next to a killer. But fuck it, now. I was the killer, I had always been, everyone has to die because of me.. Why did this always happen why.. "Jen." Tom said loud, snapping me out of my thought,

I gave him a glare, he was far closer than I thought he was. He instantly lent in and wrapped his arms around me before I had the chance to reply, his body heat was suffocating, the fluttering feeling came back. He looked into my eyes, his beautiful dark brown eyes poking around my whole body, admiring my every move and feacher. His eyes felt like an endless maize, every dead end leeding to pain and hate. But once you reached the end, nothing but love and truth surrounded him.

Tom sighed "Jen. I don't want to admit it.. I don't know how." he seemed embarrassed, I didn't know what he was about to tell me. Apart of me didn't care, but that same part of me that wanted his touch surrounded me, cared so much. "admit.. What?"I asked, my face burning up, I wanted him again.

He made me feel like a fucking bipolar person god damn. "Jen, I promise to protect you. I thought I was doing it before, but I did a shit job. I hurt you. I let others hurt you." I didn't want him to finish whatever he was saying, so I just kissed him,

I didn't want to hear his voice any longer. If he wanted to protect me so much, then why didn't he, I climbed out of my seat to sit on to of him, it hurt my back to stretch to kiss him in his own car, he seemed surprised by my actions,

I pulled back and gave him a deep look "Listen ok." I kept my voice low and serious "you're a prick Tom. You hurt me, but you know that you did, and you regret it.. You're willing to change but I don't want that. I want to understand you, well I wanted too.. And I think I do, it only took having to kill someone to do it. When I'm with you Tom I feel confused, like I could yell and scream in your face. But I didn't want to do that, I wanted to hug you and kiss you and go on dumb dates with you.. And I'm not saying I love you or anything. Because I don't."

I took a breath, thinking of what to say next, but I wondered to myself, did I not love him.. He knew I was deep in thought, he just laughed, as I looked up at him angry, but seeing him smile and laugh, a deep laugh that made me smile and my eyes light up, the anger was gone.

"why are you laughing?" I wanted to stay serious but I just couldn't, my smile was obvious, he stopped laughing and looked at me, also smiling "you can't be all serious while sitting on me.. I just can't take it seriously" FUCK. I thought to myself, was he irrisitable.

What was wrong with me.. With my thoughts. I rested my head on his chest, feeling it rise and drop as he breathed, he placed his hand on the back of my head, he sighed and spoke, his chest rumbling as I listened to his words. "I am sorry Jen. I understand your frustration with me, and take it out whenever you need. But please, never give up on me" I suddenly relised something, Tom didn't open up to me, ever. Whenever I looked at him he gave me cold looks. Or harsh words,

but when I looked away, he would look at me with wide smiles, his words more meaningful and soft. Im no therapist, I couldn't tell you why that was. Maybe he was just shy, maybe it was far deeper than that. But my heart fluttered at the thought of it, as he spoke to me, the cruel strong man. At heart he was just as soft as I.. Just as emotional and just as needy. But just as I felt, after killing kit. Just couldn't, feel it. Couldn't comprehend the feeling of happiness, or even sadness. Because that was far to human. I felt glad, that I was able to give his human back.. The day went by crazily, death.

To calmly hugging Tom in his car ontop of him.. Nothing felt normal, yet everything felt right. I felt as protected as Tom told me I'd be.. I had felt this for awhile now, even before this, a lot of the time. When people say they feel people watching them, everyone assumes it's a stalker or a weirdo..but I felt as if I always felt Tom's presence with me, watching me. Making sure I was ok, but now that he couldn't hide himself from me.

He was the one to cause me pain, so he could protect me from the rest, did I finally understand. Maybe not fully, maybe not at all. But I did know, that Tom definitely didn't regret fucking me, and that was one worry off my list. We stayed and cuddled in the car for a little while more, I got tired, so u got in the back seat and layed, for some reason Tom had a blanket so he gave it to me. Having a slow ride home, to his home this time. I wanted to catch the boys up, and he needed to talk to Bill. So I'd just stay the night. I hope to understand him further.. Maybe. That way I could understand myself, that is why I moved. Maybe this wasnt so bad after all.

...
My question is, when are they going to fuck again 🙄