Better Not Be Love

CHAPTER 39 - LETTING GO

Over the course of the next four days, our schedules were jam-packed with the final tasks that needed to be completed. This meant that my time with Eugene was, unfortunately, limited. It wasn't that I was excessively preoccupied, but rather that Eugene, being in the production department, had to shoulder an incredibly significant role during this period. Fully aware of the magnitude of his responsibilities, I found myself unable to voice any complaints. Instead, I took on the role of babysitter, ensuring that he received adequate rest and nourishment by preparing his meals and forcing him to sleep whenever he visited me. Balancing his needs became my top priority, despite the constraints on our time together.

Lorraine jokingly taunted me, implying that I was behaving like a wife for him. Strangely, instead of disregarding her comment, it ignited a slight feeling of unease inside me. Nonetheless, despite the disquieting thought, I felt an urge to continue pampering him. All I wanted was to return the unfaltering comfort he had consistently given me. I just wished to be there for him.

Our unofficial three-month anniversary together was approaching, and a mix of awareness and concern was filling inside me. I didn't know the exact date, but only that it was somewhere around this time. What actually scared me was that my heart remained unchanged when it came to Eugene. Instead of the expected doubts or my usual boredom, our bond seemed to have deepened, and he has honestly become a part of my everyday life. I never openly acknowledged it, not even to myself, preferring to deny the truth rather than accept it and take the next step. I was a coward when it came to confronting my own emotions, and this time was no different.

Whenever I craved solitude, Eugene instinctively sensed my discomfort and provided me with enough time and space without getting offended or calling me a drama queen. Unlike my former boyfriends, whose smothering attentions bogged me down and left me dying for some alone time, Eugene knew the balance between companionship and personal breathing room. It was this understanding that made me appreciate him more. In return, I also respected his personal space, refraining from disturbing him during moments of distraction until he felt ready to open up.

On numerous occasions, the thought of mustering the courage to ask him to officially be my boyfriend flickered across my thoughts, only to be promptly overshadowed by trepidation. I was afraid that the magic we have now would change once we started dating. Eugene has gifted me an abundance of breathtaking memories and heartfelt moments, ones I hold dear and wish to preserve. I couldn't let those memories be tainted by the knowledge of what was to come. Sure, our relationship wouldn't be all rainbows and butterflies at every moment. Even if we do start a relationship, we are bound to break up one day, as countless couples eventually do. This world isn't a fairytale, and I have learned not to put blind faith in the idea of happily ever after.

So, after much contemplation on my part, especially since I had too much time on my own to think things through, I arrived at a final decision: once the shoot concludes, bringing an end to this 'friends with benefits relationship' would be the most beneficial thing for both of us. It wasn't an easy decision to make, but I had to, for the sake of Eugene, at least.

Although the thought of never stumbling upon anyone quite like him again fills me with a touch of hopelessness, deep down, I am convinced that he is destined to be with a girl who's even more amazing than I could ever be. Eugene deserves that kind of love, and as much as it pains me, I could never bring myself to ask him to bear the weight of sacrifice for me. I am head over heels for Eugene, and I can't bear the thought of holding him back from a bright and beautiful future just so that I could have him temporarily.

.................

"You look distracted."

We were in a park, around a few kilometers away from the hotel. Eugene, for once, returned early today, and he had a few extra hours to spare. I proposed that we go out somewhere, and he readily agreed, despite looking sleepy and tired. As it was past nine o'clock, the park was deserted, leaving a pair of swings unoccupied for us to use. My feet kept swaying gently, making me feel as if I were floating. I enjoyed swings, but at this moment, they failed to offer me the comfort they typically would. Instead, there was a lead in my heart that was weighing me down.