Better Not Be Love

Entry No : 371

My mind has been racing with thoughts ever since I returned. I kissed River, and if she hadn't had a panic attack, I would have done more. These past few days have been pure bliss. I can't even begin to comprehend why she picked me to be her first, especially since she was a virgin. God, I can't still wrap my head around that truth. It's mind-boggling. I always dismissed the silly rumors about her, not giving them any credence, but holy cow, she was actually a virgin. And she chose me. I'm torn between feeling privileged and absolutely terrified by this revelation.

I was somewhat glad that Lorraine and April interrupted us. I wasn't prepared to hear what she had to say when I asked her why she selected me when she could have anyone. Learning that she had almost been raped in the past stirred up a multitude of emotions within me. Part of me longed to know the identities of those who had violated and scarred her. However, I questioned what actions I could possibly take. After all, I was just a listener. So, despite my inner impatience, I refrained from pushing the topic further. Instead, I shifted the conversation towards her virginity, a safer subject to discuss. When I heard her chuckle, a wave of relief washed over me. I didn't mind appearing foolish in her eyes, pacing back and forth in her lobby, blabbering, as long as it brought a smile to her lips. That simple act was enough to satisfy me. I slept that night, dreaming of her in my arms.

Being with Lorraine and April made me realize how much I miss my family. It's interesting how they embraced me as part of their group. They were really enjoyable to be around, and it made me reflect on how much I've aged. Nowadays, I find teenagers a bit intimidating, but I genuinely had a great time with them. It warmed my heart to see River with such affectionate sisters by her side. Initially, I assumed April would be immature, as she didn't bombard me with questions about why I was staying overnight with her sister, like Lorraine.

But when River took Lorraine to the washroom at the club, she actually opened up to me. She recounted that her sister had been through some horrifying experiences in the past, and they almost lost her. April said she couldn't go into the specifics, and seeing her squirming, I confided in her that I knew River had come dangerously close to being sexually assaulted. She was startled by my admission, but I assured her that she could trust me with such sensitive information. I was never going to rat on the girl I love, but I never told her that for obvious reasons. April seemed amazed that River had chosen to confess to me. Furthermore, she hinted that there was more to the story, but she felt it wasn't her place to share all the details. However, she did mention that River had never been in a serious relationship. It turns out she has commitment issues, a fact known only to her immediate family. Now it all makes sense why she kept her distance from guys.

April pointed out to me that I was the first guy who had caught her sister's interest to such an extent. It's a dual situation, both positive and negative. On the positive side, River has been feeling lonely for a long time now, regardless of her attempts to deny it. On the negative side, April was unaware of how far River could push herself. It was inevitable for her to reach a breaking point, and April feared that it would setback River even more than before. She said I was a good guy, unlike the men who approached her sister from this industry and expressed her approval of me. However, she also pleaded with me not to break River's heart. Considering River's emotional wounds, this was an immense request, but she said she couldn't help but be a bit self-centered. She declared that she had never witnessed her sister being this happy in the presence of another guy, and she was already allowing herself to be a little hopeful. Tears welled up in her eyes as she spoke about her sister, and I, too, became emotional. April truly was an exceptional sister, and I came to understand just how mature she was despite her childish actions. She loved River more than anyone else. Even I was certain that I could never love River as selflessly as April does.

She looked at me with fierce determination in her eyes as she demanded that I either commit fully to the journey ahead or withdraw now, sparing us both from a future filled with heartache. It felt like she had stripped away her defenses, revealing a vulnerable side of herself that I had never witnessed before. The mere fact that she had considered my own happiness amidst her own turmoil touched me deeply, lighting a flicker of admiration within me. From her grave expression alone, I realized the weightiness of the decision I had to make.

Just in that moment, I caught sight of River emerging from the washroom. Politely, I asked April to excuse me briefly, as I needed a moment to gather my thoughts, and it must have been the way I looked, because she immediately smiled sadly at me and asked me to take my time. She told me to grab some water bottles while I returned so that I could use it as an excuse for my disappearance.

By the time I walked away from her and stepped back into the real world, a sense of conviction enveloped me like never before. I literally ran back to their cottage, my mind crystal clear and resolute in its decision. I had concluded that I was going to become exactly whatever River wanted me to be, without any concern for the consequences that awaited. The end result no longer held any importance; all that mattered was that I would do anything it took to make her happy again.

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