Better Not Be Love

Entry No: 370

It's been quite a while since I have written, and a lot has occurred in that time. I wasn't able to fall asleep that particular night because of the way things ended up between us. The following morning, I glimpsed River looking terrible, and even though I could observe her, I made certain she wasn't aware of my presence. I felt extremely anxious to witness her disgusted face as soon as she saw me. I had been afraid that this was going to be it. Whatever I had with River had come to an end. I even considered begging her forgiveness at one point, and I probably would have done so if I weren't nervous that she wouldn't accept my apology. She would dismiss me or, worse, find me tiresome. What will I do then?

I spotted her strolling to the bar shortly after the shooting session and didn't intend to annoy her, so I lingered nearby. I swear I was behaving like a stalker who was after her. I had never seen her consume so much alcohol before, and knowing I was to blame for it devastated me to my core. This was not how I had imagined things to turn out.

After that, I trailed after her to the poolside area, and my pulse nearly ceased just as I found her at the edge of the water. She was entirely by herself and inebriated. Her crouching frame swayed slightly every time she leaned towards the pool. And I have no idea what struck me, but my legs were already heading in her direction, and I heard myself shrieking at her. I pulled her up from her slumped position and cradled her tightly against my torso. The shape of her body fitted into mine like an amazing jigsaw puzzle, and after hours of mentally torturing myself, I finally felt like I was capable of breathing. She was wrapped up in my arms; her ears rested on my chest, and her fists clenched into the fabric of my shirt. I was so lost in the feeling that I was taken aback when she shoved me forcefully, and before I could get a grip, I was falling over.

When I returned to the water's surface, River was staring at me, her gaze widening in horror. She refused to look at me as she suggested taking me to her cottage, and I readily complied, desperate to be close to her. Her aversion to eye contact stung worse than the freezing wind cutting into my skin. I accompanied her like an abandoned puppy, but when I entered her house, I was overwhelmed by her scent, and all of my senses awakened instantly. I scanned around the living area, visualizing her reclining comfortably on the sofa and watching TV or humming a song while cooking in the kitchen.

A sense of longing engulfed me, and as I watched her search through the cabinets, I approached her from the back and stood directly behind her, fighting against my impulse to wrap my arms around her waist. I wasn't even aware of her question as I blurted out my apology. River looked perplexed at first, and if I assumed she was going to shove me away for being so close to her, I was wrong. Fortunately, she attentively listened to my explanation completely, and the only question she asked in return was whether Juan had a boyfriend, which confirmed my suspicion that River thought I was courting Juan. I informed her of Juan's fiancé, and, bless the Lord, she finally beamed. It was like taking a deep breath of fresh air.

I was still apprehensive as she offered me some of her clothes and directed me to the washroom, unsure as to whether she was really fine with us or if she was somehow masking anything. Upon stepping inside, I was unable to refrain from sniffing her garments. I even held onto the soft material against my chest because it felt awfully nice, as if I were embracing River. I hate to admit it, but not once did I feel shameful for acting like a sick pervert. Her pants were a touch too small for me; however, her pullover was a perfect fit. It wasn't surprising, given that she always wore clothes a few sizes larger than her own.

We spent the evening watching Netflix, and she was completely dozing off by the middle of the series. I watched her fall asleep for some time and subsequently carried her to her room once I knew she wouldn't be able to make it inside on her own. Her bedroom appeared cozy, and the covers embraced her. I learned she snored faintly and had her mouth agape while asleep. Her preferred posture consisted of lying on her stomach, embracing an enormous pillow with one leg protruding from the comforter, and straddling the lucky cushion. I was dying to take a peek around the place, but fortunately, I hadn't stooped down to that level. Therefore, I hurried out of her residence before anybody else woke up. I had developed a migraine shortly after I made it to my quarters, and by the following morning it had progressed into a full-blown illness. I kept on coughing, and my entire body felt quite warmed up, but I had an awful lot of tasks to get through.

By the end of the day, I'd been on the brink of passing out when River approached me. She drove me to the hospital, and I'll never get over how concerned she looked. My mother was one of the last people to accompany me to the hospital, and that was back when I was a teenager. But there was a strange resemblance between River and my mother. Maybe it's the no-nonsense look they both give me when I insist on being fine.

I thought my pathetic mind was just exaggerating her reactions, but the woman in the waiting room next to me commented on how attentive my girlfriend was, and she even claimed that River loved me deeply and that a woman was able to read another woman like an open book. I had no idea exactly what she was referring to, but her words were enough to make me turn red. River liking me seemed like a fantasy I'd never be able to accomplish. It sounded far too unrealistic. I even considered myself inadequate to receive her undivided attention. While leaving, the woman kindly wished us an exciting future together and many happy kids. When River inquired about what the lady said, I only relayed the first part and had to refrain from looking her in the eyes for fear of blushing even more.

I enjoyed how River communicated with the doctor for me throughout the consultation, and I think I quit breathing once the doctor implied I was her husband. However, the way in which her face paled upon hearing it swiftly altered my attitude. Even though she wasn't gazing at me, I could see the sense of dread in her expressions. Was being my wife that horrible? Of course it was. What on earth was I thinking?

Later, we returned to her cottage, and despite my insistence that I stay in my lodgings, she remained determined. And I preferred to be right next to her, though I didn't voice it. Even if it was only for a brief period of time, I was keen on discovering what it felt like to be her roommate, and I was afraid I would never have another opportunity similar to this one. However, I had not realized then that I'd be too sick to experience much of anything. I had been constantly dizzy, and whenever I came around, I spotted her sitting next to me, taking care of me. My past girlfriends didn't scrub my sweaty body or feed me oatmeal. They haven't spent any sleepless nights watching me or accompanying me to the lavatory. Even though the last part was awkward, I could not help feeling like we had finally crossed a boundary. A boundary that could not have been crossed by someone who merely wanted to sleep with the other person. The feeling was both intimate and strong.

If I had previously loved River, I was confident that I could never be with any woman but her after this. The care and concern she gave me were unfathomable, and I doubt that I'll ever settle for anything less. She has shown me how wonderful it feels to be someone close to her, and now I want more. I want everything she has to offer, and then a lot more. Further, I cannot bear the thought of River being this close with another man. The idea is not only unsettling, but it also makes me wish I could eliminate every male who is in her vicinity. I desire to be the only one she notices and cares about. I want to be the only man in her life, for now and forever.

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