You and I

CHAPTER 11

NANDINI

I sat on the trunk of Abhi's car, watching my feet swing back and forth. The noise from the party wasn't as loud back here. Tonight Abhi had left his car unlocked in the parking lot. I know it was because he wanted me to have a place to stay unlike last time where I had to seek shelter under the tree. He was trying to make this easier for me. He'd even brought a box of pizza and coke a little while ago. He'd seemed concerned. But all of a sudden some girl with dark curly hair drove by and he got up looking angry. He stalked off after that.

The girl just stood there after a while, staring after Abhi before getting back in her car and driving away. Strange. I'd never seen her before.

"You might have the best seat in the place." Manik's voice startled me. "Don't mind me. I'm just tired of acting like giving a shit out there. I needed to be along. Since you don't talk, that makes it better. Someone I can talk to who keep quiet. Might be fucking perfect." He took a long drink before taking a seat beside me.

Was he drunk? He had to be. Surely, he was aware that I was the last person who wanted to be his company. I was not his friend. I would never be his friend.

"Maybe I should also stop talking. Then I wouldn't have to pretend to give a fucking shit. I bet that's easy. Not having to react to anything. I fucking envy you."

Envy me? Seriously? He was going to sit here and make jabs at me when he didn't know a single fucking thing about me. He had no clue why I chose not to speak. To say he envied me made me want to stand up and scream in his face. No one on earth should envy me. Ever.

"But I did hear some stuff that, if it's true, maybe your shit's worse than mine." He shook his head and sighed. "Nah, probably not. Cabir's Mom is a gossip queen. Half the stuff that comes out of her mouth is false anyways."

He looked as if he was talking to himself now. His eyes were focused on something in the darkness. Pain was etched on to his face. He wasn't trying to hide anything out here, not like he did all the other times I'd been around him. This was the first time, I really saw him, not the part he hides behind his mean demeanor, but the real Manik. There was heaviness in his voice and pain in his eyes.

"Couldn't come to my game tonight. Hell, he can't even go the damn bathroom without help now. Much less watch me play. First time in my life, he hasn't watched me play. Every goal I scored, I scored it for him. So that I would have something good to tell him back home. But here I'm sitting like a fucking pussy because going home to see him scares the hell out of me."

Him who? I wanted to ask but was afraid to do so. His emotions were too raw. This wasn't the monster he showed to the world. This was the guy underneath that. He was allowing me to see him, his pain, his fears. But why?

"When I was born, Mom said he brought a football to the hospital for me. Ran right out and bought it when they said it was a boy. He put it in my crib with me from that day on. I loved football, but it was because I loved him. He's always been my hero, and I was his champ. Now he's going to fucking leave me. And Mom." He let out a hard laugh clearly full of agony. "How is she gonna make it? He was her world. I can't imagine Mom without Dad. She'll be so lost. And I know I won't be enough. I just-" He dropped his head in his hands and let out a groan. "Fuck, I'm scared, Nandini. You know what it's like, to be scared?" he asked, lifting his head to look at me the first time.

I knew. I knew all too well. I knew terror and fear. I knew demons that haunted you every night instead of the sweet dreams we believed in when we were kids. I knew more than he could imagine.

I nodded. "Yes," I whispered hoarsely, desperate to assure him he wasn't alone. My voice sounded strange yet familiar.

This was the second time I had spoken to him. Once because he infuriated me, and now because I understood he needed to know he wasn't alone. Pain came to all of us at some time or another. It was how we learned to cope with it that determined our future. In this moment, I chose to speak. Silence was normally how I coped, but for the first time since I'd witnessed my father kill my mother, I wanted to speak. I wanted to reassure someone else.

His eyes widened. "You talked," he said, staring at me intently. "Again."

I didn't say anything in response. I had spoken because he needed me to. But to talk, just for conversation? I couldn't do that. I was still afraid to hear my voice.

"Is is true? About what Cabir told me... Did you see your Dad... " he trailed off. He knew my past. Someone had found out and was spreading it around. I knew it would happen eventually.

I thought about my answer. I didn't talk about that night with anyone. Remembering was too hard. Too painful for me to endure. But Manik was losing a parent too.

So I nodded. I wouldn't give him any more than that. I couldn't put into words what I've seen. Not again.

"Shit. That's tough," was all he said.

We sat there in silence for several minutes, staring off into darkness.

"My Dad's dying. Doctors can't do anything for him anymore. They sent him home to just... die. Every day I watch him fall away a little more. Further from our grasp. Further from us. He's in so much, and there is not a single thing that I can do about it. It makes me feel so helpless. I'm afraid to come to college because, what if he dies when I'm gone and I never see him again? But then, like right now, I'm afraid to go home because he may have gotten worse and then I've to see that. I have to see the man I adore wasting away. Leaving this life. Leaving us."

Mom's death had been fast. Immediate. She hadn't suffered except for that one moment I was screaming at my Dad to stop while he pointed a gun at her. I know she suffered then. She suffered for me and what I was about to see.

But I didn't know what it felt like to watch a parent die slowly before your eyes. To go sleep at night and not know that whether the next morning they will be with us or not. My heart ached for him. Losing someone you loved was hard. But watching that person die slowly before your eyes was pure torture. Manik wasn't a nice person. He could be downright cruel. But the emotion in his voice was hard to ignore. I didn't want to feel anything for him, even sorrow, but I did.

"Nobody knows about it," he continued. "I can't tell them. All that they know is that Dad had a surgery a few months ago and is on disability now. He doesn't go to office anymore. Sahil Uncle, his closest friend who also worked under him , is right now handling our company. And when he'll be gone, Mom is gonna join office. Dad had decided this. Mom doesn't have a lot of friends except for Abhi's Mom, your aunt, but I doubt she has told her about Dad. When Dad's gone... everything will be very difficult for Mom. So to engage her and to make sure that she stays busy and occupied, Dad has decided that after him, she'll handle Malhotra Industries with Sahil Uncle's help. But when Dad will be gone, I'll be it for Mom. Her family has disowned her when she married Dad against their will. Dad was a single child. Dadu died the year I was born and Dadi five years ago. I'll be the only family left for Mom. How do I become Mom's pillar when I myself am not strong enough? How will I be enough for her?"

Nothing I could do would ease his pain. Nothing anyone could do would make it better. So I reached over with my hand and covered his. It was the only thing I knew to do. Other than speak, and he didn't need words right now. I wasn't sure I could anyway.

He started to turn his hand over to hold mine when he suddenly stopped and pulled away. Then he stood up as if he was going to leave. I didn't want him to leave like this. He had opened up to me about the demons he was facing. He had laid his secrets bare. He would go home to that nightmare and live it again and again until it was over. He didn't want to tell anyone, yet he told me. Had he seen in my eyes what I'd seen in his? The sorrow and anger? The regret and pain?

"I have nightmares every night," I said. "I see my mother die over and over."

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