I MISS YOU I'M SORRY, KYLIAN MBAPPE

013. therapy

CHAPTER THIRTEEN
. . .THERAPY

        making the promise of working on herself was easier than actually keeping it, but louise really didn't want to let kylian down again.

        so as soon as she landed back in paris she went on a search for a suitable therapist, it wasn't as easy as she thought beforehand.

        there were many therapists to find in paris, and after looking trough what felt like thousands of different profiles louise booked and appointment with 'aline laurent.'

and so a few days later louise nervously sat in a waiting room, sweaty hands on her bouncing knees.

the door close by swung open and a woman her age walked out with a smile and red eyes, she was clutching a tissue in her fist, "thank you so much."

behind her stood another woman, who seemed to be in her thirties, "it's no problem, i'll see you on monday."

louise straightened her back as she watched the first woman walk away, "louise depp?" she shot up from her seat, "yes!"

"well you're excited." aline spoke with a soft chuckle, "sorry.. i've never done this before." louise wiped the sweat of her hands before shaking aline's hand.

"it's fine, i'm aline, by the way." her orange hair reminded louise of her best friend, which immediately made her feel more at ease.

aline mentioned for louise to enter the room. it wasn't like louise had imagined, it was a cozy room, with lots of plants scattered around, and a comfortable sofa in the center.

"please, sit." aline said, pointing at the sofa, "do you want something to drink?" "no thank you." the woman nodded and sat down opposite of louise.

while making the appointment louise had to fill in a form about herself, just a bit of background information.

"so." aline smiled, "what are you here for?" louise blinked, "erm.. well.. for help?" she let out a nervous chuckle.

"i understand that. with what do you want help?" "with fixing me, i suppose." she shrugged.

aline looked curious, "why do you feel like you need to be fixed?" louise laughed, "well because i'm messed up." the therapist's eyes widened, "why do you say that, louise?"

"it's kind of written in stone, really. my dad's messed up, all my past relationships have been messed up..." aline beckons for her to continue speaking.

"well.." louise sighs, "there's this really great guy, who likes me, but something in me just keeps pushing him away from me."

"why do you push him away if he's so great?" aline quickly scribbled something down on her notepad.

"i think— no, i know that i don't have any dreams. it's hard to admit this to myself, and it took a while to figure it out, but when i think about the future it's just blank. i can't see anything."

even tough the session had just started louise already felt like crying, "but do you think that's a reason to just push someone away?" she shook her head in response, "no."

"but i'm so scared that if i'll allow myself to get too close to him my feelings will eventually rub off on him, and he's got so much to risk, i don't want to do that to him."

"to be honest, louise." the french model looked up from her lap, "i think you just need to figure out what you want, try out new things, find out what your dream is."

silence filled the room, "could you tell me a bit about the past relationships you mentioned?" louise nodded, she swallowed before saying; "none of my relationships have.. formed me."

"i mean, they have, but not in a positive way. i never really had a say in anything. my boyfriends would just do whatever they wanted, i've never actually felt.. loved."

"but i was always too scared to speak up about it. i'd let them go wherever, i'd let them do whatever. and it really... hurt. it hurt so bad." louise wiped away a single tear that rolled down her cheek.

"i'm sorry." she said, chuckling as she frantically tried to dry her eyes.

"do you do that a lot?"

"what?"

"break your heart for other people."

at this point louise was unable to keep the tears from flowing. aline handed her a tissue, which louise gratefully took.

more words were scribbled down before aline asked louise another question, "why do you feel like you've never been loved, because that's a pretty big assumption to make."

"i don't think anyone's ever loved me, i think they love versions of me i have spun for them, versions of me they have constructed in their minds. the easy versions of me, the easy parts of me to love."

"except for maybe my friends..." "and that man you mentioned, do you think he loves you?" louise smiled, "i think.. he does."

✩

        after the session was finished louise and aline agreed to see each other again in two days.

        when louise got back to her apartment the heavy weight that had been pressing down on her shoulders for a while felt less heavier than before, but it was still there.

        normally louise would make herself dinner, sit down on the couch, watch tv, and silk for the rest of the evening.

        she did made herself dinner, but instead of sulking she sat down at her kitchen table and propped her phone up against her glass of water.

        she facetimed jamal and waited for the german to pick up, "gutentag!" the footballer answered her call with a wide grin, "hey!"

        the two of them talked while louise ate her dinner, "i nutmegged him." jamal slammed his hand down as he laughed, "gott, you should've seen the look on phonzy's face!"

        louise smiled, "i'm glad you're having fun." "i miss you tough." jamal replied, "how was therapy, by the way?"

        jamal was the only person that louise had told about therapy. the two had formed a very strong bond ever since they'd met, and jamal was a person that louise could comfortably confide in.

        "okay? i think?" louise laughed, "i'm meeting her again in two days, but i really think this is helping."

        "i'm happy for you, lou. you deserve the world."

        "thank you, jamal."

...yara speaks 🦋
in honour of kylian's birthday hehe 🤞