fix you // liam payne

chapter twenty-two // out with it.

liam's pov

My ears ring from the silence. It feels like an eternity since I've had my room to myself. It's been crowded with people all day, coming in and out, barely giving me a passing glance. It's funny how concerned they all seemed about me, yet they only stopped to actually check on me rarely. I'm sure it felt that way because Ellie was busy all day, and usually it's her that makes sure that I'm alright.

But now I finally have some peace and quiet. I ate my lunch as I watched doctors and management file in and out, and now I have complete solitude. It feels weird and foreign. You'd think I'd savor the alone time after the kind of morning I had, but instead I just stare up at the ceiling feeling rather lonely.

The loneliness isn't due to the lack of people in my room physically, it's due to the lack of people really with me. And by that, I mean Ellie. I'm not the clingy type of person to be needing to be around her 24/7, but I can't help but to feel as if I had messed everything all up last night. There could be a big possibility that she'll never come around and all because I was stupid enough to ask her to take me on that walk all alone. I knew my feelings for her would make things complicated.

I'm an idiot.

I let out a sigh as I close my eyes, feeling equal parts lonely and frustrated. I never had intended for things to become this complicated or confusing.

But clearly I can't just keep my feelings for Ellie all contained inside. I thought I was a mature adult that would be able to act professionally, but I obviously gave myself too much credit.

I wish Ellie wasn't so busy today. Out of all the days for the media to find me, today has been the most inconvenient. Though I did hear Dr. Frenette talking to Dr. Gerard about how today is Ellie's day off and she's here anyways - it's really sweet how Dr. Frenette talks about Ellie, it's as if she were his daughter. He's always looking out for her best interest - so I suppose I would have had to wait another day anyhow.

It still feels like torture sitting here having absolutely no idea what she is thinking about, especially after what happened last night.

I mean, we kissed, and I think it was a mutual thing. It felt mutual in the moment, but maybe that's me thinking with rose colored glasses on. If it was mutual, then I need to talk to her to see if maybe she is feeling the same way that I am. Though I'm not sure what good that would do. She's my doctor, and I know for a fact that it's against all sorts of rules to be romantically involved with your patient.

But what if the kiss wasn't mutual and she doesn't feel the same way? What if she only kissed me to avoid embarrassing me? What if it was just a pity kiss? Because who would kiss some twat in a wheelchair like me? Then I have to apologize immediately and promise it will never happen again, and tell her my feelings will never get in the way of her doing her job.

Because that's the thing; Ellie absolutely loves her job. And there's no part in me that wants to get in between that. I don't want to jeopardize her job, and everything I know she works so damn hard for.

Not knowing exactly what she's thinking at this exact moment is killing me.

I look over at the pager attached to my bed, knowing it wouldn't take much to get Ellie in here to ask her exactly that, but I can't quite get myself to do it.

Do I even want to know the truth? Maybe living in the aftermath of the kiss is as good as it's going to get, and I should enjoy this oblivion before I have that conversation with Ellie and she completely turns me down.

I can't help but to laugh at myself and how much I'm overthinking it. I'm sending myself on an emotional rollercoaster of complete confidence, then down to the dark pits of rejection.