Untitled.... Dazai Osamu

~Feelings~

Chuuya roamed the streets, if you where a passerby you'd most likely see a man pacing back and forth. The light of the moon made it seem as if he was glowing, like a wandering ghost.

Finally Chuuya had enough and punched the wall, leaving a small crater. Turning his head he closed his eyes, remembering Dazais happy complexion.

He's happy.... without me...

... Chuuya felt something wet and warm run down his cheek, opening his eyes he touched his cheek. Tears... Chuuya felt dumb... weak, what would Dazai think? Most likely he would laugh at him as he always does.

He let out a small chuckle, then his face dropped and Chuuya let the tears fall freely, the container that held all his sorrow.... over filled. It tipped, spilling everything he struggled to hide.

.........

Dazai fell asleep in Fyodors arms, he felt.... safe. A feeling he never knew felt so... wonderful! With Fyodor he felt loved, wanted. That he never felt with Chuuya, when they hugged or kissed he felt nothing... empty even.

He knew that Chuuya loved him, but even if he loved him that was it. Chuuya never expressed how much he cared or yearned to know more of the other, it was a relationship made only out of one-sided love.

Dazai let himself think that he would surely end up inlove with the redhead but he never did. All those dates, kisses, flirts where empty...

Dazai wanted to feel bad for using him, as the years passed Dazai realized that Chuuya to was at fault.

Couples especially young couples, where bound to have some small arguments, but for them to be so constant?

"You kissed him chuuya!" "I was drunk!!!" Or "You never come home!" "I was at the bar with some friends!" .... "Why won't you let me see under the bandages!!??" "Respect my boundaries Chuuya." "The guy at the cashier counter practically undressed you with his eyes!" "That isn't my fault, besides I can't do anything about it Chuuya." "You're always with Odasaku!" "...."

Dazai finally felt at home with Fyodor, though truth be told Fyodor was especially clingy and protective. At times the Russian man would be the most touchy person, then he would switch and become set off by the smallest skin contact.

Fyodor would glare daggers at anyone who looked at Dazai wrong. On his first visit to the agency he glared at Kunikida so hard, the next visit Kunikida was scared of the man.

Dazai too had some "flaws" in the relationship, on their first dates Dazai refused to eat at restaurants.. claiming that he would only eat foods made by his Beloved.

One day Fyodor asked why he was always cheery and energetic. He told Dazai that he wasn't bothered, but would love to see his actual personality. Dazai agreed and to be frank... Fyodor had a hard time processing.

The man whom was always pretending to be happy and bright, was no longer there... replaced by a man that was capable of sending a person like Fyodor scared down to every bone of his body. The eyes where simply to much. Empty, blank... Fyodor regretted even asking.

It was like gazing into an abyss of darkness... being drawn in and not being able to look back, the feeling of uneasiness filling up your gut. Fyodor knew then that the boy he found on a street was far more than what meets the eye.

Pitch black... Dazai had been living for way to long in the darkness, he was the definition of a heart that was tainted... Mafia black.

He never spoke only stared at the ceiling for several hours on end. Dazai didn't eat nor did he speak. It was like living with a corpse. When he did speak... well.... the tone used was deadly. Deep and cold, Fyodor felt fear clawing at his stomach.

For the first time in his life Fyodor felt..... afraid. He couldn't sleep... knowing that Dazai was in the next room possibly plotting his death. Or taking his own life. Never in his life had Fyodor felt frightened by the presence of someone else, Fyodor once told himself he was fearless... scared not even of death! But now....?

"Do you still like me now... Fedya?"

"...."

" Yes."

But never once did Fyodor feel the love and care he had for Dazai hinder. Fyodor did love him... even after he saw the wicked side of him not once did he feel his love vanish.

As a matter of fact... that made Fyodor yearn for Dazai even more.

||||

Once Dazai regained his senses he remembered his confession. Internally Dazai wanted to shrivel up and die.

It was a secret that Dazai thought that if Fyodor knew about his second ability he would abandon him. In a panic since Fyodor was not by his side, Dazai sprang up.

But that was when he noticed Fyodor sitting in his rocking chair reading "The magic school Lamborghini."

(Jk you can pretend he's reading whatever you want.)

Fyodor looked up from his book and met eyes with Dazai.
Setting his book down he scanned Dazai up and down. Feeling Fyodors gaze Dazai felt nervous....

They sat in silence for a few more seconds before Fyodor slammed his book shut and closed his eyes.

"Do you remember what I told you yesterday?" Dazai was confused, so many words where spoken last night that he struggled to figure out which one was actually worth mentioning.

Fyodor felt a smile creep up his face. Wondering if Dazai actually didn't know, or was pretending to be dumb.

"So.... this Chuuya.... was there anything going on between you two? Did you ever mention your "abilities" to him?" This felt like an interrogation. Dazai wondered how he met him, but he knew he had to answer the question first.

Playing with a small strand of his hair, Dazai let himself drift into distant memories... Remembering all of their conversations together, but never once did he mention his second ability to Chuuya.

If he did Chuuya would most likely flip out. Dazai chuckled at the thought. Fyodors face grew dark... was Dazai actually smiling at the thought of that man?

Fyodor tapped on his book, trying to get the others attention. Dazai jumped up, the loud noise broke his trance.

"No.. I never told him." Some guilt was found in his voice. Dazai wondered why he never told him.

Fyodor felt relief wash over him. Glad that Dazai trusted only him. "Well you didn't exactly tell me about it aswell. What is your second ability Dazai..?" Fyodor pushed on the matter even more, making Dazai feel... overwhelmed.

"Well... it's very complicated." Fyodor didn't like that Dazai thought he wouldn't get it. He looked at him in the eye and told him to go on...

Dazai hesitated, but complied... "Façade" the ability to warp reality to how I wish it to be."

Fyodor was shook.

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Kk this chapter is fairly confusing because only the last bits are about his ability, but I wanted to show or express the relationships with the characters here. That's why the chapter is "feelings"

Happy new year!!!