Breaking Down ➳ m.n.z.

Twenty

Chapter 20
Maddie's POV

It was the day after what I hoped was going to be the last funeral for a long while. I wore a short blue dress with black and white sunflowers printed on it as I walked through the grass sprinkled with the last of the morning dew, and I could hear the grass compressing softly underneath my black sandals as I moved slowly along. When I had reached the line of stones I found flowers and cards rested amongst them. One, two, three, four, five, six, I counted in my head, making sure they were all here.

I sighed softly as I carefully kneeled down in front of the stone marked Paige Hyland. I glanced down at my left hand where I could see the small white corner of an envelope within my clenched fist. I managed to pull the small envelope out of my tight grasp and glanced the stone in front of me.

"Look, Paigey. I know that you're underneath me right now, under the ground that is. But something tells me you're actually up, not down." I whispered, leaning forward to wipe a dirt smudge off of her stone with the palm of my right hand. "I found this," I said, looking at the envelope with Paige's name in Chloe's curly letters, "it was in the drawer of my desk, right where I last put it to keep it safe. See, I remembered what you said, I didn't forget."

After Chloe passed away, Paige gave me the letter Chloe had written for her. She told me to read it when I felt the time was right. Paige never opened it because it was too much for her to bear, but as I now realize, she is safe with Chloe in a place that is better. Paige does not have to be in fear of missing Chloe while listening to the letter because she is with her. And as Paige entrusted me to read it when I felt the time was right, I not only feel that time is now, I know that time is now.

I could feel my fingers shaking as I opened the tear stained envelope and pulled out the folded piece of paper inside. I took a deep breath and began to read aloud, knowing my friends with all listening.

"Dear Paige,

My world is coming to an end. A sudden and brutal end. I'm so sorry, Pay. I would hate to see you upset after I'm gone, but I know I must leave now. I belong somewhere else, somewhere where I can keep you, Brooke, Nia, and Maddie safe without having to put myself in danger too. Know that I'm going someplace better, and I'll never forget you.

They say that if you were to die today, would you be happy with your life? As I ask myself that question now, I realize that I am content with my life. I'm okay with dying because I helped you survive those nightmares, I made Maddie stronger, I became a stronger person, but I am mostly okay with my life coming to an end, because I spent it with you. There is no one person on this earth I would've rather spent my life with, and I am eternally grateful I soaked up nearly every minute in your presence. I give the greatest gratitude that I had someone to make me laugh everyday, someone to hug me when I cried, someone to gossip with, someone to share my secrets with, and someone who was always there no matter what, and that's something not everyone on this planet has the pleasure of having. You gave me all those things and I am eternally grateful.

Don't cry over me, I'll always be there. You don't need me to help you anymore, you can do it on your own. I wouldn't be leaving if I didn't think you could handle life on your own. Be happy, twinnie, not only for my sake, but for Brooke's and Maddie's, and Nia's and everyone else's. I'll always love you, forever and always. You're forever the sister I can't live without, and it would pain me to live a life without you. That is why I must be the first to go. I'll see you again eventually, I promise. See that new star up in the sky? That's me. I'll always be there whenever you need me. Your best friend and twinnie,

Chloe."

I folded the letter gently and placed it back in the white envelope.

"There." I whispered, carefully tucking the envelope between a small bundle of flowers and Paige's grave stone. "This belongs with you."

I stood up slowly and brushed the dirt off from my dress. As I inhaled deep, I closed my eyes to better smell the flowers surrounding me. When I opened them, I was back where I had last seen the world, in front of the stones. I bit my lip, and glanced around. I could feel the tears coming.

I managed to spot a small evergreen about thirty feet from where I stood and made my way over to it. When I reached the green tree, I laid down beneath its shade and withdrew my phone from where I had forgotten I was holding it in my right hand. I unlocked it, took a deep breath, and did something I hadn't done since the day we found Chloe at the bottom of her pool.

The phone rang a few times before going to voicemail.

"Hey, it's Brooke!" A voice chimed on the other line. I held my breath, scared of the voice that belonged to a body which now laid underground thirty feet from where I was. "Leave a message!" I did not speak for a second. Something inside of me hoped her voice would become a reality again, but when it didn't I managed to meek out a few words.

"Um, hey Brooke. It's Mads. I, um, just wanted to say that I miss you. Tell everyone I say hi, that I love them. Love you too though..." I spoke. I waited for a bit before hanging up. I withdrew the phone from my ear and glanced at it as I held it above my head. Somehow, I was on the voicemail screen. And at the top was one from over a year ago that I had yet to listen to. Perhaps I had just forgotten about it, although I do not know how that is possible. The date of the voicemail read February 15th, 2017. The caller ID read Kenzie.

My hand began to shake as I stared at the phone, my brain unable to make a decision. Eventually, I was able to force my finger to press the play button of the voicemail.

"Hey, Mads. Um, it's Kenzie. I'm sorry I'm not at dance today. Mom took me to the hospital earlier and I just woke up from an emergency surgery. Mom is out of the room, and even though she doesn't want me to talk to you right now, I am finding a loophole, since I am not technically speaking with you right now, I am leaving you a message.

"I just found out I might not make it, Mads. I know it's confusing right now, but I promise it will make sense later. I only wanted to tell you that I might not be around much longer. I'm sorry. But if this is the last time you hear my voice, I want it to be something that's meaningful. So here it goes:

"There will come a time, Maddie, when I will be dead. There will come a time when you will be dead, too. But it is truly impossible to know how much time we have left until time runs out. I may not know how much time I have, now do you know how much time you have left either, but until one of us is gone, I will spend every second of our unknown time with you.

They say suffering is dying. When we are suffering we are dying, but we are all dying. Each second the clock marks as past, we are experiencing one second less of our unknown time. Suffering is not dying, Mads, suffering is letting the clock tick past without a care and suddenly coming to your end. Suffering is wasting your seconds. Suffering is not spending as many of my seconds as possible with you. I love you Maddie. And I am forever grateful I spent the little time I had with you. May our little time last a lifetime, because unknown time does not give you a limit, it gives you an infinity. I love you more than anything. You will always be my reason to keep fighting."

Tears were streaming down my face and I could feel them falling onto my chestnut brown hair that was spread out amongst the ground underneath my head. I pulled the phone away from my ear and smiled softly to myself. As I glanced at the back of my phone I saw the last of the little pink bow pins that have the rhinestone heart in the middle taped to it. I gently peeled off the tape and took the bow in my fingers.

As I ran my pointer finger over the top of the pin I began to think to myself, I am Madison Zielger. I am sixteen years old. I was a reality TV star half my life. I was given my clock. I do not know when it will stop working. I shoved it in the back of my thoughts, hidden by my fears. I let my time pass. I was suffering. My sister gave me my unknown infinity. My friends helped me build it. My friends fixed my clock. As I pinned the little pink bow to my sunflower dress, I stared up into the sky though the branches of the evergreen and smiled as one last thought ran through my mind, and I am no longer suffering.

The End.