Unfathomable Desire

Chapter 19

I was sitting on the sofa, staring at the fireplace in front of me. It was just after lunch and I was waiting to be escorted back to Hogwarts. Sirius spoke to me all morning as if everything was fine, hence I didn't think he suspected much. I felt extremely tired from the night before and the excitement of this morning, and I couldn't wait to get to school and sleep the rest of the day.

Mrs. Weasley entered the room and came to sit next to me.

"How's everything going at school?" she asked me.

"Fine," I replied.

"I know starting at a new school can't be easy. I hope Fred and George are helping you as much as they can." She smiled at me compassionately.

"Oh, they are. They're great, really."

"Good, I'm glad to hear it." She looked towards the fireplace. "They've mentioned you might be seeing a boy."

"They did?" I asked.

"You don't need to talk to me about it if you don't want to. They just mentioned you disappear sometimes."

"Yeah, to study." I'm going to kill them.

"I just want you to feel like you can come to me for anything. It must be difficult not having your own mom here."

It was difficult, but I was never one to talk to my mom about relationship stuff, especially because my taste in guys is questionable.

I felt pulled in by Mrs. Weasley's warmth and felt an instinct to melt into her and share, open myself up to her. She felt safe. This is how I also felt about Mack.

"There's someone," I told her, not meeting her eye. My need to confide, my need for comfort and guidance in this was too strong. "It's... complicated."

"Sometimes," she said, "Things are only complicated because we make them that way."

I had no idea what she was talking about.

"Why is it complicated?" she asked me.

"No one knows we're dating," I told her. "I mean, it's not even dating. We never labeled anything."

"Why doesn't anyone know?"

I wasn't sure how much to say without revealing too much. "I dunno. It's the way it is, I suppose."

She looked at me with that warmth again and I felt a swarm of emotions in my chest all come up at once.

"It's just hard," I told her, trying to keep my voice steady. "I feel like I'm lying to everyone, including my best friend. I feel awful about myself but I also feel like I can't change anything. I just feel stuck."

"We're never stuck, dear," Mrs. Weasley said, patting my hand with her own. "You always have choices."

I looked down at her hand covering mine. "Sometimes it feels like I don't. I guess it just feels lonely."

"It does sound very lonely." Mrs. Weasley looked at me, studying my face. "Is it worth it?"

"Is what worth it?" I asked.

"Is the relationship worth feeling this way?"

I hesitated, thinking about Snape. I couldn't even explain what the relationship was, but it was isolating. I wanted to share with Mack and gush over the details, I wanted to do normal teen things and I couldn't. I also didn't think I could give up his touch, his presence, the way he makes me feel. "Yes," I finally told her. "I think it's worth it."