Your Struggles is What Creates Your Depth

ALL OF YOU.

(December 18th,2021)

You tell me my feelings are wrong,
So I run to someone that won't think so
You get more mad at me
But you're still not listening
Why can't you fucking hear me?
You blame it on Reactive Attachment Disorder
But how can I have good attachments with you when it's not okay for me to be upset with what you have said or did?
How I'd beg for you to just hold me and hug me
And you'd block me and then try to hug me
You gave me an ultimatum on Christmas and I was emotional because you know that I'll start crying and try and understand where you're coming from
It's perfect
I'm too empathetic to you
To everyone
But not towards myself because I keep letting you do this to me
You tell me it's them or us and I tell you I'm tired of playing the middle man and having to choose and you blame them saying I shouldn't have to
Can you not hear that you are doing it too?
When dad was drunk and crazy, you looked to me and looked for me to say something insightful and I would then you'd tell my dad
Then he'd be mad and disappointed at me
And then it would be him about you
I've been the middle man my whole life because when I've spoken upon my hurts and you wouldn't listen, I'd accidentally let them out to Grandma or a different family member than I was the bad one
I don't know what to do, I love you guys, but I'm tired
I'm tired of having to choose
Or say sorry for something that I didn't even do,
I'm tired that every time I try to hold my ground, it's like you still have the power over me and I just buckle to it
You know just what to say
All of you
I don't know how to be done
When at the end of the day
You just lose me
But I lose all of you