Red light

19. Old TV (Tobirama)

I sighed, massaged my face with the palms of my hands.

I'd had a friend in college who'd complained whenever I did that because he thought it looked like I almost poked my eyeballs out. I hadn't been able to stop anyway. It felt good, pressing my fingertips over my eyes through my eyelids after having sneaked them under my glasses. I did that now before I put my elbows on the table in front of me, tied my fingers together, leaned my lips on my thumbs.

I was looking at my laptop screen which I had put on a desk in a room in the library. I was trying to convince myself I was here and not in the privacy of my own home because I needed a change of surroundings, that it was good to come out but who was I kidding; I was here because I hoped to see Izuna. The same reason why I had previously gone to try to find more books about pottery, casting glances at the study rooms on that floor while I pretended to be engrossed in my search. The same reason why I, when I realised I'd read them all, walked down to every other floor to see if I could find other books about anything, casting glances on the study rooms there as well. 

Now, I had chosen the room where me and Izuna had talked the first time in the hope that he would come find me instead, and was now trying to convince myself I wasn't constantly looking out the glass walls in the hope to see him arriving.

He didn't arrive.

I continued my Internet search on my laptop which I had brought because the things I searched should definitely be searched on a library computer. And I felt a pang of something that took away at least the edge of what I was feeling regarding Izuna; hope. I felt hope. 

I had searched for consent in the porn industry, and was surprised to find a lot of material. There was a movement building that was all for the consent-giving at porn shoots, websites and social media accounts that talked about it openly, that filmed what happened when the actors talked about their preferences and dislikes before a shoot so their co-stars would know, that posted well-made digital posters that were incredibly informative. I was fascinated. There was only one problem, one theme that went like a red thread through all of the directors partaking.

Those directors were unknown and seemed unable to climb up in the rankings.

I wondered why that was. Was it because without consent, the directors could ask for exactly what they wanted, thus creating their original vision without any disturbances of actors saying no? Was it because there was a correlation between kindness and lack of skill? Or was it all coincidence? Something else entirely? I didn't know. No matter what, I thought I had the capacity to change things, not only because of my stardom, but also because of my skills. I knew I was good in arts, and in college I had been part of the filming society, creating artful and abstract pieces of work that had even won awards.

I had never heard of a porn star starting to direct, but I knew the concept would be seen as interesting, that people would catch on. If I then sat down with the actors before each set and talked, and filmed it and made how I worked available online, I might change some things. Some fundamental things.

I found some contact details, dialled a number. I wanted to see how it worked with my own eyes. A director answered the number I had called, and I explained who I was, what I wanted from them and why. We decided a time to meet which suited us both.

In a week, I would see my first consented porn shoot.

It was truly empowering. What they did.

I had introduced myself alongside the director, his assistants and the stars. The stars then went over what they liked but, and maybe most importantly, what they didn't like. When they began filming, I found I was nervous, never having watched people having sex for cameras without participating myself before. But it was fine, not at all arousing but rather educative. I saw how the co-stars worked hard to cater for the other's desires and dislikes, how they asked questions and even laughed together. When I imagined myself in that situation I didn't feel excited or hungry as I usually did but rather calm and competent, maybe a feeling more suitable for work.