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12. Dreams and fantasies (Izuna)

When I saw him in the doorway, my first instinct was to die.

Or, not my first. My first was to analyse him to find out where the hell I knew him from. It was so strange, really. Nobody was even close to looking like him, so it wasn't as if I had many options. But my brain just couldn't comprehend that my straight porn co-star would show up in a library. A library!

I chastised myself for my prejudices. But in all honesty, seeing him here, seeing him like this... He looked like he belonged. He was wearing smart, pitch-black Levi's jeans and a cosy, grey cardigan, the colour scheme contrasting his white hair nicely. And he wore glasses, rounded glasses with thin gold rims that made him look older and wiser in a very, very nice way. On his fingers were several golden bands. None on his wedding finger.

He railed you. He fucking railed you.

I saw the exact moment when he realised I had seen him make out with another girl, because that's when I realised he wasn't entirely colourless because how could he drop all colour then? That was what happened; all colours just dropped off him on the floor. Was he ashamed? I had taken him for someone to laugh jealousy off, to believe it wasn't his problem. Apparently not. He seemed to be incredibly affected.

I realised he had asked me if he could sit down. I started cluttering with my mess.

"Please", I said.

I wanted him to join me. Of course I did.

"Thank you", he said, putting his books on the desk and sitting down opposite me, a polite distance.

"What's those about?" I asked, pointing.

Tobirama jerked, as if caught with a dirty little secret, like, oh, I don't know, being a world-famous porn star. His hand jerked a little, as if he wanted to snatch the books away, pretend they weren't there. Well, I wasn't letting him have it. I adjusted my glasses and had a closer look. Oh... They were books about pottery. This man seemed to be full of surprises. I wondered what the next one was. Maybe, he was really good in bed?

"You want to learn pottery?" I asked.

Tobirama actually looked away, and seemed to try and find some courage before he turned to me.

"I already know it", he said. There it is. The next surprise. "I am looking to deepen my skills."

"Oh!" I said, impressed. Which I thought I'd let him know. "I'm impressed", I said. "I have always wanted to learn. My grandmother used to do it."

"Are you close to her?" he asked, seemingly eager to find out more about my life. I tried to remember last time anyone was, but failed.

"I was. She died two years ago." It still stung.

"I'm so sorry", Tobirama said, and he looked like he really was. "Your mother's or father's side?"

"I don't have a dad", I said before I had time to think.

Tobirama scratched his head, looking slightly uncomfortable.

"Sorry", he said.

"I'm the one who is sorry", I said. "I didn't mean that to come out so harshly. I've never had a dad so it doesn't bother me that much. How long have you been doing pottery?"

Tobirama's face lit up again.

"Years", he said, then seemed to think of something. "I have never told anyone."

"Really? Never?" I asked, finding it hard to believe but he shook his head. "You shouldn't be ashamed of it."

"I'm not ashamed of it", he said so calmly, I believed him. "I just want one piece of my life for myself, you know?"