Red light

17. Speed of sound (Tobirama)

Filming BDSM was a dream of mine come true. 

Me and Izuna had done kinks together, and I had done kinks with others before him, but I was talking true BDSM, not only with the bondage and whipping and leather and wood and torches, but also the dynamics. 

I had never been asked to do it as a porn star, but I had excessively studied it during my entire career, not only to be prepared but also out of my own personal interest.

As I had begun my light research, I had though BDSM was about said bondage and whipping. About dungeons covered in red velvet with devices to bind. But it was so, so much more than that. Or, it could be just that, of course; there was nothing wrong with people enjoying binding or being bound, whipping or being whipped. But for those who performed it as their main form of art, BDSM was often about healing trauma. 

I had read story after story from doms and subs in the world, and they could all confirm. For subs, it was often about being owned in a controlled situation. Usually, their trauma was about abuse, to different degrees, by family members or friends or partners, be it physical or emotional. Being beaten at home made them attracted to getting spanked or whipped by a dom; being bullied made them attracted to verbal degradation and so on. Experiencing it under controlled forms seemed to give them back a sense of autonomy that they so desperately needed. For doms, it could be either about having been the abuser, wanting to heal that trauma by abusing in a desired way, by giving a sub what they wanted, or they had the same background of abuse as the subs and now wanted to be the one on top of the hierarchy of power dynamics but in a safe way. Of course, not all subs and doms were healing trauma, but it was a repeating pattern in the BDSM world.

I had thought about why I wanted to dom so bad while reading all of this. Was it my way of healing my trauma of having been a straight-up bully when I was younger? When I thought about it, my immediate reaction wasn't yes, that's it! but it wasn't no, definitely not either. In the end, I reached the conclusion that it didn't matter, that since I couldn't know I wouldn't decide whether it was true for me or not. After having read more, I rested in the fact that my feelings and desires were valid, and I didn't need to feel ashamed of wanting to dom.

I wondered if Izuna had any trauma. Maybe, he didn't have any, and that was why he had detested the kinks, at least in the beginning; he didn't have anything to heal so for him, it had just been pain. I wondered what made him turn with the candle wax. Maybe, that was me? 

Nevertheless, my dream of doing BDSM was coming true. 

There was only one problem. I wasn't filming with Izuna, but with a girl.

I stood opposite her now, and immediately recognised her. She was the one I had filmed with a while ago, then met at the party and ignored. She was wearing a beautiful set of wine red velvet underwear making her curves roll deliciously, and was getting lipstick applied. I frowned. She was, without a doubt, incredibly pretty. I suddenly didn't understand how I could have ignored her at the party, not only that but also flirting with another woman in front of her when it obviously caused her discomfort. I couldn't imagine myself in the situation again, ignoring her, her feelings, her tears. I suddenly became incredibly aware of myself.

"Hi", I said, scratching my head.

She turned to look at me, then looked away, focussing on her makeup artist. She was completely ignoring me, and I knew it wasn't because she wanted to play hard to get but because she was genuinely uninterested in me and what I had to say. It was a first, and it did something with me. I realised nobody had ever been uninterested in before. But that wasn't what bothered me. It was knowing that she was right in her reaction.