Accidents Happen

19. Hospital

There seemed to be no rush to prevent what was happening. It was an awful wait in a side cubicle before a nurse came to see me, administering pain killers and examining my stomach. And it was even longer until a doctor appeared. All I could do was lay there, the sheets beneath me becoming more saturated as the minutes ticked by. Dan held my hand and stroked my cheek, promising me everything would be ok.

Blood tests were run, my heart was scanned, but no one seemed to be focused on the baby. Why weren't they checking the baby? Was it because they knew it was too late? Did no one realise how special this baby was? My only shot at motherhood. The only child I would ever bare.

The future that I'd never imagined was being snatched away no sooner than it had dared creep into my mind.

It was five in the morning by the time we had any answers. And it had taken Dan throwing his weight to get there. I almost didn't want to know. I didn't want to hear the words.

But our answer only left us more in limbo.

'We can't scan you until the bleeding stops.' A midwife explained. 'If we find a heartbeat now, it doesn't mean it'll still be there in a few days. We have to wait. I'm so sorry.'

'Why is this happening?' Dan asked. I had remained silent the entire time. I feared if I spoke, I would break.

'I don't know.' The midwife smiled as kindly as she could given the circumstances. 'Sadly one in four pregnancies will end in miscarriage. It's nothing you've done, it's nothing we can really prevent. All we can do is wait now.'

And so I was discharged into the early cold morning.

I still didn't speak in the car or when Dan helped me into the house and up stairs. He must have realised before leading me into my room what we'd left behind.

'In here.' He directed me to his room, hurriedly kicking clothes from his bed. I didn't care. I just wanted to sleep. 'I've got to make some phonecalls, but I'll be right downstairs ok?' He helped me to sit down and I just stared past him and nodded.

I lay curled up on the bed staring out the window into the grey sky. The sun had risen but you couldn't see it behind the clouds. I watched birds fly by. I followed droplets of condensation as they rolled down the window. Time ticked by slowly. Painfully.

I felt the bed dip but I didn't move. He didn't speak for a while. I'd managed to hold back the tears for the last hour since we arrived home, but now Dan was here, I couldn't hold it in. Tears poured down my cheeks and into the pillow. Maybe he knew, as he placed a hand on my shoulder and I pulled my arm out from the covers to hold it. I lay there as he sat there a little longer, before I couldn't hide my sobs anymore.

'I'm sorry.' I told him. And the floodgates opened. I sat up, emerging from my pit to face him. And I saw his eyes were red with grief too.

He held me so tight, as though he was trying to squeeze away the pain, but I knew it was simply to stop himself falling apart too. I didn't care. Nothing mattered anymore. I buried my head into his shoulder, using it almost as a gag to stop the air entering my lungs. Because each time they filled, they filled with an ache that seemed to take over me.

'You have nothing to be sorry for.' He whispered. He knew as well as I did that there was only one outcome from this.

'I'll pack my things and go.' I told him.

'Where?'

'I don't know.'

'Stay.'

'No, I can't.'

'I want you to stay. Whatever happens, remember? I said I'd be there no matter what happens.' His kind words only bolstered my tears. I didn't need to explain to him that I'd lost more than just the baby. My home, my boyfriend, my future.

There wasn't even a question of him going away to America. He stayed with me until the bleeding stopped. Sometimes we spoke. Other times he just sat with me as I cried. He bought me food and made sure I had a shower and got changed into fresh clothes. It may have only been three days but it felt like the sadness had infected my entire life. I couldn't remember a time where I ever felt anything but pain.