After hanging up my phone I collapse on my bed, head overwhelmed by feelings of love, and my stomach filled with butterflies. Of course I was talking to the only girl that makes me feel that way, El. Her whole personality encapsulates me, her remarks make me swoon. Everything about her is just so astounding to me every time I interact with her.
But it's growing clearer and clearer that she doesn't feel the same way. And that makes my heart fucking break. I love her, God, I'm in love with her. I'm suffocating in my feelings of admiration for her. I could be hers, I want to be hers. That's all I want. I need her. I can't fucking breath without her. I think we would work, we could spend our lives together. When I imagine myself in the future, she's by my side. But it's just not going to happen. And every day I grow more devastated as I come to realize it. This unrequited love is killing me.
I curl myself up in a ball, tucking a pillow under my head. My eyes tear up, my conflicted feelings of longing for her and trying not to get hurt make me want to scream. When I'm with her I feel complete. Her voice makes me feel light and happy. When my hand brushes against her explosions of butterflies dance around me in a frenzy. In my head, she's my girl already. But in actuality, she's my best friend. Nothing more.
Rubbing the tears out of my eyes I sit up, not willing to let myself mope around about a girl who doesn't even know how I feel about her. I guess I'm kind of at fault for that, no one is stopping me from telling her. But what if she doesn't want to be with me? That'll ruin our friendship. I really don't know what I'm going to do. I know what I want, I just have no clue how to get there.
My phone rings and I rush to pick it up, almost falling over after I trip on my backpack. "Hello?" I answer.
"Hey Max, it's El. I know we just talked but I was wondering...would you want to come over?"
"Yeah, sure. I can be over in like ten or fifteen minutes. Is that cool?"
"Uh-huh, see you soon."
I change into some outside clothes and bike over to El's house, leaning my bike up against the side of it before I ring her doorbell.
She swings it open seconds later and grabs my hand as she pulls me to her bedroom. She closes her door quickly and turns to me, "Hey."
I look her up and down, confused. "Are you on drugs or something? You're acting weird."
"No, of course not. Drugs are for hooligans."
A snort erupts from my throat, "Did Hopper tell you that?"
She furrows her eyebrows before sitting on the floor, "Yes."
"So...what's up?" I ask as I sit down across from her, crisscrossing my legs.
"Nothing, nothing. I just wanted to talk to you," she says, sounding oddly nervous.
"After we talked on the phone?"
"In person."
My heart beat speeds up, "Oh?"
"I have something to tell you."
"Oh..." Sweat begins to form above my brow and I wipe it away, hoping she didn't notice.
"This is hard Max," El says, her voice breaking a little.
"Why?" I say nervously.
"I haven't done it before."
Gulping I look into her eyes, "It?"
El's eyes move to the floor, "Told someone...it."
"What's 'it' El?"
El looks like she's going to fall apart, "Never mind, you can just go home. I can't do this."
I shake my head, "Just tell me. What are you talking about?"
"You know Max. I know you know. It's your fault."
"What'd I do? El, what did I do?"
"I can't say it, I don't want to ruin us," she says, tears beginning to fall down her cheeks.
"El just fucking tell me. How did I ruin us? What do you mean?"
"The way you act around me, it's confusing. You're acting like Mike. That's not how you're supposed to act. We're best friends Max. Tell me we're just best friends."
My heart sinks, "Of course we're best friends? I know that, but how am I acting like Mike?"
"You give me flowers, you make mixtapes with love songs, you just look at me with the same thing in your eyes."
"Hold on, you think I like you?" I half yell, feigning disbelief.
"Yes Max, it's obvious. I mean, you act like my boyfriend. And I know Mike and I broke up...but you're not a boy!"
"If I was would you like me?"
"I don't know, you're not a boy. I'm not supposed to like you!"
"But do you?" I say quietly.
"What?"
"Do you like me?" I repeat myself, more clearly this time.
"It doesn't matter. I'm not supposed to."
"El, just answer me, I need you to answer me."
She shakes her head, "I'm not supposed to like you, that's not how I'm supposed to be."
Increasingly frustrated I roughly take her hands, "You were right. Okay? I fucking like you. I'm a girl, you're a girl. It's possible! If we like each other we can be together. I can't go another day not knowing how you feel, so just tell me if-"
"Max."
I squeeze my eyes shut, "What?"
"I don't like you."
I stand up and push my hair back, trying to breath, "Okay, that's fine. That's alright I just-"
"I love you."
I let my hands fall to my sides, looking down at El, "You what?"
"I don't just like you, I love you."
I lower myself back down, "Are you serious?"
She nods, "Yes, I love you. Now please say it back or I think I'll vomit."
"I love you too," I say softly.
She smiles, looking relieved. "I'm sorry. I didn't know what to do," she tells me, sounding guilty.
I put my hands on her shoulders, "Yeah I really thought we were never going to be able to speak again."
El laughs tiredly, "Funny."
My eyes flicker to her lips, "Can I kiss you?"
"Yes!" she immediately responds, looking surprised with herself for her quick answer.
I cup her face in my hands and lean in, her moving into the kiss and putting her hands around my shoulders. When we pull away we rest our foreheads against each others, nothing but our breathing to fill the silent room as our feelings for each other surround us in the air.
A/N: This is dedicated to the readers who don't have a Valentine this year, go eat some chocolate and listen to Conan Gray. <3
