The Probability

Chapter 9

+++Rosa+++

When I tell you, I run, it can mean many things. It could mean the physical thing like, what you do when your trying to get fit, or something you'd do at school for trainings.

When I tell you, I run, it could also mean the more deeper stuff - which no one would really think about without the reminders of people who do this type of running; and this running is more like, running from your mistakes and memories and guilt.

I do both. I run every single night, but I don't really do this for the reasons most girls would run. Nope. Well, unless the majority of girls run because it helps them forget. You see, I run to forget.

I run today to help me run from yesterday.

Blah de blah blah - it makes me wanna gag too - but it's true.

365 days in a year. And to think of everything I'd like, so very much to forget, 365 days isn't enough. It isn't enough at all, not even close.

I say I run to forget, but it's actually a lie, it's not like any of my memories are going to vanish by running. I know that's not possible. To me, the reason I run is for me to push myself so hard I won't have a choice to remember what I'd done.

Where I'm supposed to revel in the pure oblivion, exhaustion and pain offer. Anything to numb the hurting inside.

Although, what I'm trying to run away from will never really dissolve until I do. And even when I do die, is possible that it could still haunt me?

My god! It's like a never ending chase with something so not of this world grabbing for me. Like all the days in the calendar are finally catching up on me, reminding me of everything else moving on, except me, no matter the speed of my feet.

All I want is peace and forgiveness.

But the only people who could give me that, are dead.

When I got home from the Loop, Riley went straight up to his bedroom and told me he was getting an early night. I told him I was going out for a run, to which he replied and offered if I wanted him to join.

"That won't be necessary," I told him.

"R, I really don't like the idea of you running so late on your own. I really wouldn't mind - " he continued but I cut him off.

"I'm a big girl. I can take care off myself. Just go to bed already, will you?" I felt bad shunning him off like that.

After all, I was staying over at his place for the past couple days and he's been nothing but nice to me, I just don't run with people.

I quickly race up the stairs, into his bedroom "I'm sorry...I just...My runs are...they're..." I couldn't really explain what my runs were to anybody.

I don't think anybody would understand anyway.

"Rosa, it's okay. You don't have to explain yourself to me. I get it. Your runs are obviously special." Riley said getting up from his bed and came over to where I was standing in the door way.

He placed his hands on my shoulders and gave me a cute smile, although his eyes were heavy with pity.

Pity for me.

"Hey, I was wondering," Riley said, snapping out of the intense moment, "I'm going to sleep on the couch downstairs tonight. You little missy, aren't that little in bed. You manage to take up the entire bed when your sleeping I mean GOD! What is with you R?" He started laughing and I couldn't help but giggle.

It's true, he always did end up one butt cheek off the bed because of my sleeping ninja skills. What could I say? One who has such potential must use it wisely.