tricks of time ― grayson hawthorne [the inheritance games]

024. I AM A MONSTER

I can't sleep. It's nearing midnight, but I can't sleep. I can't go to sleep knowing what I've done tonight. I AM a monster. Grayson was right. I toyed with him. I toyed with his feelings. I kissed him— I let him kiss me only to tell him I didn't love him. I want to shoot myself and I want to bring my father back to life and let him murder me in the most cruelest way imaginable. I want to feel pain for what I've done.

Right now, living is an ordeal.I tried looking for Grayson but he has disappeared and he's left a trail of chaos in my head. I don't know where he is, how he managed to get out of his room and find his way out of here. Tomorrow, or rather, today morning, everyone is going to flip. Angry will be an insult to the level of aggression.But I'm not going to be the one to tell everyone that Grayson left Hawthorne House last night last night. I won't explain to them that he's not an idiot.

I really should sleep. My trial is tomorrow. Tomorrow I have to speak on the stand. Tomorrow I have to repeat one of the worst ordeals of my life. It was worse than my what my father did. Because when my father did it, he manipulated me into thinking what he did was okay. But when James touched me, I knew it was wrong. I knew what he was doing. It was blazing through my brain and I couldn't do anything.

But how will I manage this tomorrow? How am I going to face him and retell the entire story when all that matters to me is what I did to Grayson? When my thoughts are entirely elsewhere?

I don't know when I fall asleep.

___

No one has even touched their breakfasts.

The ones going to the court are all dressed, ready. But we're not calm and collected. We're all frantic because nobody can find Grayson.

Servants, butlers, the family- we're all running grabbing anyone we can find for the hunt for Grayson. The whole time they search, I just hide in a corner because I know he's not here and there's no point in searching for him. I know he's not here because of me. This whole mess is my fault.

I'm feeling little more than entirely numb. I didn't sleep at all last night, my heart and mind plagued and conflicted and I still can't feel my feet or my hands, I can't taste the food I'm not eating and I can't see straight, I can't focus on the things I'm supposed to be hearing. I don't know whether to blame the lack of sleep I had last night, the pounding headache I have, or the glowing red pain of stress throughout my body right now.

All I can think about is Grayson and Grayson's lips on my neck, his hands on my body, the pain and passion in his eyes and the many possible scenarios of what could happen today. I can only think about Grayson touching me, kissing me, torturing me with his heart and then me breaking it all to him. The only thing I can remember is the true pain in his eyes- an emotion I never thought he was capable of feeling. I remember him shaking his head and refusing to believe what he was hearing. I remember the slight tremor in his voice. I remember the feeling of being split clean in half.

And I know that now, whatever I do, he's gone forever. Not literally, I'm sure he'll be here at the house itself in a few days, but he's gone in the way that he's never going to even spare a glance at me again. I broke him and his heart and now he's going to twist my heart, stretch it, stab it, and rip it out of my body itself. And I can't even argue or defend myself because he's right. I deserve that.

"Leah! What are you doing?" Alisa's voice snaps me back into the present.

"Sorry," I lie, "My head was hurting." I pretend to rub my temples in pain. "Have you found Grayson yet?" I try and ask her in the most innocent tone.

"No," she says, putting a hand on her hip and opening up her phone. "I've texted him, called him, looked for him...he's nowhere."

"Oh."