A Court of Snow and Storms

8. Waking Nightmare

The artwork above is not mine.

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    Wynter stroked Bruma's sturdy neck, his mind wandering as they traveled through the snowy countryside. His father rode beside him on an Ursa stallion of his own. Kallias was quiet, as though sensing Wynter's circling thoughts.

    Wynter had explained the events of the evening prior to Cyrus and Colette when they arrived that morning. Cyrus was instructed to hire a replacement for Lev, and he readily agreed to do so. Colette had spent the better part of an hour questioning Wynter on his interaction with Ellie. She left the conversation appearing rather unsatisfied with the answers he'd given her.

    Wynter himself was unsatisfied. He'd been thinking over everything, trying to determine what exactly had transpired. How had he been able to touch Ellie so many times without feeling the smallest inkling of panic? Why had he reacted the way he did when he saw her injured and on the ground? He already knew the answer. It was instinct. Instinct drove him to protect her. Instinct drove him to care for her. Instinct drove him to reach out to her, when every part of his broken self begged him not to.

    If you can still laugh and bear to touch me, then perhaps some of the male I long to see again is still inside you. Wynter swallowed, pondering the words. Was it possible? She was just one female. He didn't feel that same level of ease around anyone else. Maybe she was the only one he would ever be able to interact with in that manner.

    I felt no panic, he thought. None. There had been no panic when his fingers brushed against the warm smooth skin of her cheek. None when she slipped her slender, trembling hand into his. None when he inspected and cleaned her wound. No panic, and no fear. Maybe Ellie is right.

    But there was guilt, another voice whispered. There was guilt when you touched her, wasn't there? Wynter tightened his hands on the reins. Bruma tensed beneath him, sensing his shift in demeanor. There was guilt because she is sweet and beautiful and flawless. You are broken and repulsive and ruined.

    Wynter lowered his head, cheeks burning with shame. Yes, there had been guilt when he touched her. He didn't deserve to touch her. She didn't deserve to be tainted by him. He should never have invited her inside. He couldn't take back what he'd said and done, and he couldn't forget Ellie's words. He was supposed to shut her out. Push her away. Keep himself secluded. Why was that so hard?

    One of Wynter's hands left the reins to rub his arm. It was hard because he didn't want to be alone. He didn't want to turn Ellie away. He didn't want to turn his parents or friends away. But for their sakes, and his own, he had to.

    And he knew that even if Ellie someday gave up on him, he would never be free of her. There was only one way to accomplish that, and he couldn't put her through the feelings of pain and betrayal it would cause. He couldn't put himself through it either. If he couldn't have her as a person, then perhaps he could at least hold onto her as...as a part of himself.

    "Wyn?" Kallias called, breaking through his thoughts.

    "Yes?" Wynter lifted his head, meeting his father's brilliant blue gaze.

    "Are you all right? You seem to be off in your own world."

    "I'm fine."

    "Are you sure?"

    "Yes, I've just had a lot on my mind recently."

    "Is it something I can help with? Or your mother?"