sunsets

24 december 2012

age 16

charlie raped me again today. i feel like i might die. this is the worst thing hes ever done to me.

and of course after hes done something to me, he leaves. i sit there on the hard wooden floors. unable to move. unable to think. unable to get help. unable to do anything

i try to lift myself up from the floor a bit. just a bit. i sit there for a while. my legs crossed, ashamed of what happened. i scramble off the floor and reach for my phone off the kitchen counter and do the only thing i can think of that might help.

i go onto twitter and search up harry. everytime hes back in london he tweets about it. how i hope hes in london.

and for once. the world must love me. since harrys posted yesterday that hes here.

this is my one chance.

i run out of my apartment and down the stairs. i sprint down the street to get as far away from that hell hole as i possibly can, i run for a few blocks before i think im safe, i quickly signal for a taxi and tell him my destination.

he stops and i look around. harry's house. they guys will probably be here too, thats if they arent at their homes.

i get out and stand on the sidewalk for a while. unsure of what to do. 

i havent driven across london for nothing. after all london is quite big, it would be a waste to just go back home.

i take a few big steps up harrys driveway and somehow make it to his front door. but i dont knock. what do i do if he opens?

i stand there for what seems like hours, not sure what to do. i shut this man out of my life over a year ago, and what? hes just going to forgive me, forget everything, and help me out of the mess he said was going to blow up in my face?

i cant knock.

if i knock and he rejects me, i have to go back to charlie. i have to go back to the pain. i have to take my chances and might come out dead.

if i dont knock i have to go home. my home is a home. its an apartment full of nightmares. full of terror, sadness, guilt. a place i dont want to go back to.

ever.

so i knock.

the door opens and i find harry in a red hoodie, a red hoodie i used to steal for trainings because it was warm, and it smelled like him, grey tracksuit pants, the pants which he spilt tomato sauce on and was never bothered to learn how to get rid of stains, so he left it there, weird christmas socks, those are the socks i bought him for christmas but forgot to wrap them so included them in his birthday present, and the classic purple trainers, he never wanted to throw out.

"hey" i say shyly, "maddison" he says giving me a nod, obviously wanting to hug me and smile his huge grin. i look down at his shoes.

"im sorry. i fucked up" i state and look back up at him to see him trying not to give in to what im saying.

"you were right. god. you were always right. i didnt want to tell you, because, well, you were right. i couldnt admit i was wrong. god im a jackass." i ramble, "i knew you were right, but i kept going so i could prove you wrong. fuck, i even pushed you away to prove how wrong you were. jesus im sorry. im so fucking sorry harry" i say to him, so unbelievably pissed off at myself.

he doesnt say anything. i knew this would happen, 

"im just going to go home. sorry for wasting your time" i say and walk back down his driveway. i knew that would never work. 

"im sorry madds." he calls out and i turn around, i see him start to come down the drive way to meet me at the bottom. "i tried so hard to convince you i was right that i think i pushed charlie onto you more. i just" he pauses and looks around "i just wanted things to go back to how they used to be" he states and looks at me sadly.

i have to hug him.

luckily he was thinking the same thing and hugs me tightly. 

"i cant go back haz. i just cant" i say while we hug, "i know you cant madds" he says back.

"stay for christmas"  he says to me now breaking off the hug and holding my shoulders. "a-are you sure haz?"i question. desperately wanting to go, but not wanting to force it.

"of course. everyone will be ecstatic to see you again madds" he says happily, now that he knows i might be back in his life. 

i hug him again. not letting him go. too afraid i might wake up.

too afraid this might be a dream.

and its not.