Tug of Fate | When Stars Align Book one

Ananya

Ananya

India, September 2017

I refuse to give in. If he won't listen to reason, then I will just have to be defiant.

It has been half an hour that I have been in the bathroom, sitting on the floor next to the door, waiting for my husband to go to sleep. We had returned from his office party an hour ago and he'd had a lot to drink. Thank God for small mercies. Because that meant that he might have fallen asleep as soon as he hit the bed.

God please, please let him be asleep when I come out. I cannot sleep with him today...I cannot. Please.

You must be thinking that my husband, Rishi, might be abusive or the violent type. Right? Partly right, as he is abusive. But it isn't the abuse you have seen around. It isn't physical. Nothing that leaves a physical bruise.

It is very subtle and psychological. We've been together for five years  and I've spent them listening to him and his mother tell me how ugly I look, or how I act like a whore by talking to other men. How lucky I am to be loved by him, to be married into their family. Blah-blah-blah...

Yes. It affected me a lot initially. No, it doesn't affect me now. It was therapy. My bestie got me hooked on energy healing, and my parents' love got me through the years of insecurities. Not to mention the fantasy and paranormal books I read. If it wasn't for the make believe worlds in those books, I would have gone mad long ago, with my grip on sanity slipping away. Because if I am not focused on the paranormal worlds in my books, I would have to focus on the reality of mine. And I just cannot... cannot deal with it and still smile and maintain that semblance of magic in my life.

But I digress.

Coming back to Rishi. He wants to have kids. As soon as possible. And he thinks that is the only way I can redeem myself, as I am not fit for him in any other way. Forget that I earn almost as much as he does. Forget that I am a well-known marketing consultant, working for one of the biggest consultant agencies in the country. Hell, in the world. I am just not fit for him. I am not model-looking enough for him and because of my dislike of makeup, I am never presentable in his high circles. And my mother-in-law? Well, I wish someone would tell her I didn't steal her son from her. She came to my house with a proposal to my parents.

Anyways, whatever his reasoning, he wants to have kids, and that means, him forcing himself on me. His voice is still booming in my mind from last week when I voiced that I didn't want to have sex with him. "if we don't have sex then how are we going to conceive? I don't like having sex with you either. But I love you.. and no one else is going to accept you the way I do, so I'm all you have."

I know. Most of you are not going to understand how someone who seems to be so independent in their career can be abused. Let me tell you how.

I go to work and I'm good at what I do. But not everyone would know that Rishi and his mother "forbid" me from travelling for work, and that means I cannot take on more projects. Initially I agreed because we were in love. And what can you really do when you're newly wed and your husband is looking at you with so much love in his eyes and pleading that you don't leave him to go traveling because he would miss you? You give in. Thinking it is love, thinking it is just for this time. But then it becomes a habit. And then next time you want to travel, boom! You fight. You argue. Everyone calls each other names. Then you basically give up thinking I am choosing my battles. What's the point of arguing and spoiling the mood in the house? Right? Well, you've been made a fool of.

And that's how it started. By him saying how much he loves me and that I shouldn't travel, or shouldn't take up a promotion or how much he worries about me and that's why he's tracking my GPS. And then it soon becomes why the hell did you go to the coffee shop? Why didn't you come straight home? And what do you do?

You avoid the confrontations and arguments. You decide to not do it again because why would you want to create any disruption in the family.

And before I knew it, my wardrobe was being questioned, my eating was being controlled, he made me feel so alone that I didn't even realize when I stopped going out for just myself. Some people might like it. I don't. The fact that they even account for my salary should've rung the warning bells. Now with some grace of God and my mother's wisdom I manage to save 55% of my salary every month without either of them having an idea of what I earn. If it wasn't for that safety net, I would be completely dependent on Rishi.

Imagine years of someone pulling out your worst fears, every minor insecurity, and throwing them in your face. Your confidence plunges. You look in the mirror and see the broken pieces of what you used to be.

But he and his mother made a mistake. They made derogatory remarks about my parents. Here's the thing, I will die for my parents. So the fact that my darling husband felt it was okay to insult those who I worship? Not cool. And that was what prompted me to get therapy three years ago, find my confidence, and start voicing my objections. Now, when he tries to select what I should wear everyday, because clearly I am fat and I don't know how to not make a fool of myself and him? I rebel.

And why am I still with him, you ask? I honestly don't know. I thought it would get better. I mean, everything gets better. Right? My mom and my bestie tell me that it is with the grace of God that I still have my sense of humor and optimism intact. They are definitely mistaken. I don't have it intact. I've just become very good at holding on to something I would die without.

Well, we'll see what happens. But I cannot go on like this much longer. Something has got to change. Know this – one doesn't have to hit you to hurt you.

Anyway, I decide it's been a safe enough time to come out of the bathroom now. As I heave myself off the floor, I clutch my Ganesha pendant tightly and say a prayer God please, please pull me out of this. Give me my own magic. Please. I don't want to live like this anymore. Hiding in the bathroom. Dreading waking up after Rishi. I want to be free God. Please please help me. Pull me out of this. Please help me get free.

*******

I step into my bedroom to find Rishi snoring softly. He is sleeping and I let out a sigh of relief I hadn't even realized I was holding. He's naked. He has a beautiful body, shaped to perfection, in my opinion. He runs every day, and eats healthy. Don't get me wrong. He isn't like those boys you read about in novels. The ones with the V down their hip bones, and well defined chest muscles. Nothing like that. With day to day work and our lifestyles, I don't see many walking Adonises on the streets. But he is quite good looking. He has a decent face as well, with full lips and deep brown eyes. But I don't find any beauty in him anymore. All I see is a cage. Binding me. Imprisoning me. Abusing me.

As I get under the covers, I say a prayer once again. And close my eyes. I know that dream will be waiting for me. I can never remember what the dream is about, but when I dream I know that it's the same one, that I've been there before. All I can remember is that in the dream there are friends, there is family and there is a cave. That's all. Maybe someday I will remember it all. Maybe someday it will make sense. I leave it up to the higher powers to show me the way. And with that thought, I fall asleep...