Before you go // Jonah Marais

Chapter 7: Mental health day

I officially start university next week. Alex has been preparing me for what it's like there, at our dream school. He speaks so highly of it, I hope I can enjoy my time there as he seems to. Alex, Olivia, and Dylan help pack my stuff into boxes, labelling them as we go. All three of them help settle my nerves by explaining things to me or telling me their experiences. I wish I could do the same to Nathan, help him pack his boxes, tell him all the stuff I've been told, watch his expression light up at the mention of football.

"Will you be okay with out him?" Alex asks.

He knows how hard this whole experience has been on me, how much it has affected my mental health, my sleep, our plans.

"I've got to be, I've got to be strong for the two of us" I look at Alex with tears in my eyes.

This is the first time I've let myself cry in months, I told myself I had to be strong for both of us. Nathan would curse at me for keeping my emotions to myself, for keeping them bottled up, but I couldn't cry because I wouldn't be able to stop. Alex wraps his arms around my torso, pulling me into his chest, I feel him rub circles into my back with one hand while the other plays with my hair. He whispers comforting words into my ear as I cry and sob into his shirt.

"I- we-we were meant to do this together," I sob.

"I know Peyton, but you know Nathan would want you to go, that he wouldn't want you sitting around waiting for him to wake up."

I nod knowing that what he is saying is true. Nathan would hate it if instead of attending college, I sat at the hospital waiting for him to wake up. I try to pull myself together with the best I could before pulling away, looking up at my brother with sad eyes.

"Why don't we go for a drive? I'll take you to the beach so you can clear your head?" He asks, patting down my messy hair.

"I'd like that," I weakly smile.

I grab Nathan's black Chicago sweatshirt sliding it over my head as we leave. The beach has always been my 'happy place', somewhere I can go to clear my head. I watch the buildings pass by until the trees replace the buildings. Alex parks his car close to the beach, I feel his gaze on me as I get out of the car.

"You don't have to stay, I'm not sure how long I'll be," I say as I look at him.

"Take as long as you need," He smiles reassuringly.

I send him a grateful smile walking down the beach, I take my shoes and socks off, holding them in one hand as I feel the sand between my toes. A sort of calm feeling spreads through my body, relaxing me, my mind, and my thoughts. I sit under the same rock cave I do every time, it has a clear view of the ocean and the sand surrounding it. The sun fills the cave allowing you to look around. My shoes sit beside me as I allow myself to get comfortable.

So many thoughts fill my head, mostly about Nathan, but Jonah manages to find his way inside there too. My thoughts of Nathan consist of when he will wake up, what if he doesn't wake up, why can't I do more to help him, Nathan and I's intimate moments, our fights. My thoughts of Jonah however consist of, why I always catch myself thinking about him, who he will be fucking next if I'll still see him at the hospital when I start college, why he's helping some random girl he met at the hospital, I even catch myself thinking about how his lips would feel against mine.

The sun slowly sets, turning the sky from blue to a mixture of pink and orange. The sun shines on the water as the waves roll in, the water a beautiful blue. Surfers slowly make their way back to the shore, and families start to leave. It's a peaceful sight, one that relaxes me.

"If only you could see this," I mumble to myself.

I pick up my stuff, brushing the sand off as I make my way off the beach. The trees sway as the cool breeze hits me.

"Fuck," I curse.

Alex looks up from his phone, smiling as I get in the car. I mentally thank him for turning the heater on, as the warmth fills my body, overpowering the cold.

"You know you didn't have to wait for me," I say as I look at him, grateful that he did stay.

"I know, but I wanted to wait for you," He smiles softly.

The drive home was nice, it was silent, but the silence was comfortable. I pull some of Nathan's sweatshirt up to my nose, breathing in his scent, his scent was weak, fading away quickly.

"I asked mum to make your favourite for dinner, it should be ready," Alex smiles as we walk inside the house.

He was right, the smell of the food filling my nose, making my stomach grumble. I didn't realise how hungry I am until now. We walk into the dining room, everyone had just sat down at the table waiting for us to join them. Alex and I sit down, thanking our mum for the food she made.

"Let's eat," My dad smiles, grabbing himself a plate.

Mum always makes the best food, so it doesn't surprise me that tonight's dinner is amazing. Practically shoving food into my mouth, my mother scowls at me shaking her head disapprovingly.

"Liv, I'm stealing your boyfriend for the night," I smile, and she frowns.

"Why can't you just steal Alex?" Olivia groans.

"Because Alex won't let me do his hair and makeup while having deep conversations with me."

"Baby, it's just one night, okay?" Dylan smiles at her.

"Fine, one night."

I give her a cheeky smile, knowing I've won. Dylan is always the person I go to for days like this, he just sits there and lets me do my thing while listening to me rant about my problems. Sometimes it's the opposite, sometimes Dylan comes to me to talk while I do his makeup, we are each other therapists without being therapists.