Euphoria: Rue and Lexi

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Rue Bennett's POV

Shit.

That is how I feel after my long conversation with Ali over pancakes. The conversation about my fucking sobriety.

Is it fucked up to say that I feel the same as I did before? Except now, I feel terrible for feeling the way I do. I'm just trying to exist with as little pain as possible, and I have to feel guilty about it. And the people I feel guilty for hurting, are the people who got me here in the first place.

I now lay in my bed, wrapped in three blankets, with the only light in my room coming from the computer. I'm watching another season of Love Island. I would explain my obsession, but I know you've heard it before.

My eyes are still swollen from the car ride back with Ali. I had been crying in the seat next to him, but I tried to hide it. I don't know what the point was; he had already seen me have a breakdown and heard all of my sick thoughts.

So that brings me back to my depressive state.

I was about to fall asleep when I heard my phone buzz. I look over and it's on my dresser across the room.

You've got to be fucking with me.

I shift around so I'm now sitting up, still wrapped in my many layers of blankets. I place my feet on the carpet and tried to stand. Immediately I became too tired and sat back down.

That's when I heard it buzz again.

"Rue, you sad, miserable fuck, stand up." I whisper to myself. I force myself to move every muscle in my body to stand up, which is harder than you think. It's hard to do anything when you feel like shit.

I slowly walk over to my phone and look at the notifications.

I squint my eyes as I read: 2 messages from: Lexi.

Lexi. I haven't seen her since a week ago at the dance. I haven't said a word to her and immediately I feel guilty.

Lexi: hey- are you alright?

Lexi: i haven't seen you for a week. you sick?

Me: Yeah, I think I have the flu or something.

I throw my phone down on my bed and flop down on my back.

I felt my phone buzz and look at the new message.

Lexi: i hope you feel better. everyone at school misses you.

Now that's a fucking lie. I couldn't name one person at school that gives a shit about me, other than Lexi. Lexi has always been by my side since preschool. I don't know why I've been shutting her out. I guess I just don't want to get too attached to anyone after Jules.

I feel a deep twisting in my stomach after I think that.

Fucking Jules.

I've been trying so hard not to think about her. She doesn't deserve my thoughts.

I open my text conversation with her and see the last message.

Jules<3: I miss you.

 I stare at that for a second. I go to her contact and blocked her number. I never want to hear from her again.

I text Lexi back.

Rue: I'm actually feeling a lot better, can I sleep at yours tonight?

Buzz

Lexi: yeah.

 I packed a changed of clothes and put on my dad's maroon jacket. I look in the mirror and put no effort in wiping away the mascara under my eyes, Lexi won't question it. She understands.